I See You [REWRITING]

chapter 37: complicated

It takes everything in me to pick myself up and get out to my car without falling apart. I've never felt the kind of pain that rocks you to your core, and this is nothing short of painful. My life suddenly in pieces on the ground, and I have no idea where to even start picking them up because falling in love isn't easy, or simple. It's complicated and hard work. Never ending work to fight for.

I get why it might be easier for my parents to give up.

I get it in a way I never did before, because heartbreak is the worst kind of pain. A numbness you may never get control of ever again. And I just want another numbness to numb the pain of it all. To rid myself of dealing with it. A desperate need to run. From my life, from my pain, from Felix. From myself.

I'm not expecting it but when I get home I find my mom's car in the driveway, when she's usually at work at this time. I almost consider retreating, but I have nowhere to go and so I climb out, holding my backpack on my shoulder as I walk towards the house. My stomach is in my throat as I open the door, ready to be bombarded by my mom with questions about why I'm home early or why I have mascara running down my cheeks. All things asked out of love.

That's not what I see when I get inside though. Instead, I see both my parents with a vase of white roses on the coffee table. My mom's high heels on the floor next to the couch where she sits. My dad sitting on the table in front of her, her foot in his hand and his fingers working out the tender ache in the arches of her feet.

They're smiling. And laughing.

Happy.

While I feel like a truck has just run me over and left me for dead.

They're making progress though, and that's enough for me to know I can't be the downer I feel like. If I walk into the living room, they'll drop everything to be concerned about me and so, I quickly tiptoe across the foyer and head for the stairs buy don't get there before they notice me.

"Hi sweetheart," my mom says first, stopping me.

"Hi."

"You're home early."

I nod, swallowing. "Yeah, I had a free period last block so I decided to come home."

"Are you okay, little bird?" My dad asks and I hold my lips together tightly, nodding my head. I can't cry in front of them. I won't cry in front of them.

"I'm just going to go up to my room," I tell them. "Don't let me disturb you."

They nod their heads and I don't know if I managed to convince them or not, but at this point I don't have the motivation to care. I want nothing more than to run upstairs and collapse in my room, never getting up until I stop feeling like my heart isn't dying. The world feels somehow different knowing we're no longer a we.

He's a he.

And I'm a me.

It hurts knowing that I messed up something great, because I couldn't put my own stubbornness aside to see things from his point of view. Of course, this was hard for him and I know he only did it because he was scared of what it meant. It doesn't change the feeling of betrayal I have, because at the end of the day – he didn't tell me himself.

"Little bird?" My dad voice rings from behind the door, before he opens it and pokes his head in. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I swallow.

"Stevie, you've been crying."

"No, I haven't," I shake my head, turning around on my bed.

"Did something happen with Felix?" He asks, and I wonder how he knows. "It is, isn't it? You want to tell me what happened?"