Naked Series #1: Undress My Soul (COMPLETE)

Chapter 5

Every single day is a struggle for me because everything remained inside my head. Araw araw akong dinadalaw ng masamang panaghinip kaya hindi ako matahimik. Matatagpuan ko na lang ang sarili ko na umiiyak ng madaling araw habang yakap ang sarili sa takot na baka dumating bigla ang Daddy ko o ang lalaking bumili sa akin noon at pagsamantalahan ulit ako.

I was so wrecked inside. Pakiramdam ko mababaliw ako tuwing napapanaghinipan ko ang ginawa nila hanggang sa maramdaman ko ang sakit na naranasan ko nung pinilit ako kahit na mag-isa lang naman ako. I can feel their touch even if I'm alone and the pain in my womanhood every time they penetrate me. Mula sa unang pangbababoy hanggang sa huli, ramdam na ramdam ko pa rin. Malinaw pa rin ang lahat sa utak ko at kahit anong baon ko sa alaalang iyon, hindi ito mawala wala.

Yes. I was raped and molested by my father and by the man who bought me.

I was too young to fight back. Wala akong sapat na lakas labanan ang katulad nila. Napagtagumpayan nilang sirain ang pagkatao ko.

I was told to hold onto god for he had better plans for me, so I kept praying.

But no one heard my cries. I was pleading but they never stop hurting and forcing me. Hindi niya dininig ang mga panalangin ko. Hindi niya ako tinulungan. Hinayaan niya na masira nila ako.

I hate him so much for letting all this happen to me.

Napagod akong umasa na may iba siyang plano para sa akin. Napagod akong humingi ng tulong sa kaniya at magdasal. He never heard me anyway.

At ngayon na sirang sira na ako, hindi ko na siya kailangan pa. I got tired of my life. Hindi na siya ang kailangan ko.

I need the God of death to get me this time...

Mag-isa akong nabuhay at kahit masakit ay pinilit kong maging maayos at mamuhay ng marangal. Pero dahil kailangan kong bayaran ang mga utang ng ama ko, muli akong kumapit sa patalim na gusto kong kalimutan.

I realized that no one will accept me because I was raped so I made use of my body.

I'm worthless and very tainted. No one will ever accept me because of my past and present.

Although I never let my customers touch my lower body, they use my mouth and upper body for their pleasure. And that makes no difference...

I raised both of my hands and looked at my wrist. They were both chained years ago, as well as my ankles.

It was chained on a four-poster bed. My body was naked as the man who bought me used it countless times. The coldness of the room since I wear nothing all the time. My hungry stomach because I only eat one time a day, sometimes, none.

My three years in hell broke me beyond repair.

I could not forget the feeling even if years have already passed. Sariwa pa rin ang lahat sa akin. Lahat ng sakit, pagmamakaawa at pagpaparaya na gawin nila ang gusto nilang gawin.

Kahit ayoko at kahit pagod na ako.

I couldn't sleep because it still hunts me every time I close my eyes. So I always suffer from sleep deprivation, depression, suicidal thoughts, and overthinking. I cannot stop myself from overthinking every time I'm alone and because of that, I always end up hurting myself.

I sighed. Bumangon ako at pumasok sa walk in closet ng kwarto ko para maghanda na sa trabaho. Isang conference and dadaluhan ng nagbook sa akin at kailangan pormal ang itsura ko kaya nagsimula na akong mag-ayos.

I picked a formal cocktail red velvet dress. May mataas na slit sa kaliwang bahagi ng dress at halos kalahati ng likod ko ang kita. Manipis ang strap ng damit at malalim ang tabas sa dibdib kaya kita ang itaas na bahagi ng dibdib ko. Sinimulan kong lagyan ng makapal na make up ang mukha ko para hindi ako makilala at nagsuot din ako ng contact lens para maiba ang kulay ng mata ko.