Intrigued

Chapter Twenty-Seven

*Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too was a gift.*

-Mary Oliver, The Uses of Sorrow

Brian's P.O.V.

One month later

Today was Kira's first birthday. I couldn't believe it had already been a year already since my baby girl was born. I still couldn't believe I actually had a family of my own - a family besides the guys. The three of them had always been great to me, but this really was completely different, and I never knew how amazing it felt, to actually have a family of your own. For the first time, I didn't think that parents and married people were suckers anymore.

Roxanne and I had spent all morning decorating the backyard and getting the final touches for Kira's party ready. Sal and Emily had come over early to help us, and we had finally gotten everything finished. So after a few hours of work, we sat back to relax for a few minutes before the guests started arriving.

Sal and I were outside in patio chairs, watching Emily and Roxanne play with Kira. I cracked a beer, passing one to Sal. "Hey, everything okay, bud? You seem kinda... off or something?" He asked, accepting the beer from me.

"You can tell?" I asked, raising the bottle to my lips. I sighed, wondering how to even put what I was feeling into words. "I think I've just been thinking about time." I replied. 

"Time?"

"Yeah, that's really the best way I know how to put it, I think. Time... and how fast it's all going. Everything changed an' so damn fast, too. It's all so different now and it scares me." I admitted. "Remember how I told you I was depressed, but couldn't figure out why?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "The night of the accident, when I picked you up."

"Mhm." I confirmed. "Well, I guess this is what's been upsetting me. I just didn't realize until a few days ago. Every time I stop being scared of one thing, I start being scared of something else. I got over being scared of relationships, being a parent, getting married... but now, I'm scared of all those things ending some day. I just want more time... and I'm scared I won't get it. I was never afraid to die before, but now... it scares the fuck outta me. Thinking that one day I'm not gonna be here. I want to be around for them."

"Why do you think you won't be there? There's plenty of time," he said softly.

"There's really not though... I remember the day I met Roxanne. I remember the day I asked her out. Now we're married with a one year old. It feels like a lifetime ago. Like when did that happen? Where did the time go?" I asked, just staring off into the yard. "It seems like when I was all depressed and shit, the days felt like fuckin' years, and now that I'm actually happy... now that I have a reason to live, they feel like milliseconds."

"I know what you mean. Trust me." He replied, looking over at me. "I look at Emily, and I think... where the fuck have you been all my life? I wish I could've met her sooner. It almost doesn't seem fair."

"Exactly. I wish I could go back and kick the shit outta myself for wasting all that time." 

"Well, you know, there's no time line for life. Everyone feels like they should have a house, a solid career, and be married with a family by their mid-twenties, but that isn't realistic. Not for everyone. I mean, shit, I'm just glad it happened to me at all. Every day, I still wonder what that woman is doing with me." He said. 

"Every day I'm waiting for her to jump out from a corner and yell got ya, I'm not really going to marry you! There's no way to go back in time. Just... enjoy what's in front of you. If you're lucky, you'll have a solid fifty years with your family. Now that you're finally happy... your life isn't over, it's just beginning."