Path To Restoration (Fighter's Den, #3)

Chapter 21 - Delilah

"Welcome home, sweetness."

Zack blinks up at me before his eyes shift away to survey the new environment. I watch him with a full heart and feel like it might burst with love at any moment.

He was born exactly one week ago and he's everything I hoped he would be; healthy, happy, and loved.

I'd never been more terrified in my life than I was in the delivery room. I almost didn't notice the pain because I was so worried that something would happen to Zack. I know it's normal to be in labour for a long time or just at the brink of it for hours but Zack was already premature so it could have meant a number of things. The pain I was in was just white noise compared to the heart-stopping fear that something happened to my baby. Three doctors and two nurses had been in the room with me to monitor my vitals as well as Zack's during the entire labour. They had me do a number of different exercises to try and get me dilated all ten centimetres and finally, after nearly four hours of being two centimetres away from meeting my son, I dilated all the way. I was so anxious to see him and make sure he was okay that I pushed like a champion. The pain was bone-jarringly intense but my desire to see Zack, a healthy version instead of the one I continuously see in my nightmares, was even more intense. And when I got a good look at my baby boy, what he really looked like, there was no stopping the tears. He was perfect. Is perfect.

Even for being one month premature, he's doing perfectly fine. We had to stay in the hospital longer than usual since the doctors ran a million and one tests but they finally decided Zack was progressing as normal as expected. My little champion. I stopped having nightmares after his birth, too. I no longer see a grotesque version of my child that haunts me because he doesn't look like that. I know what he's really like now that he's here and he couldn't be more perfect. He's the spitting image of his mama with grey eyes and blonde hair. The only features that resemble Chris are his chin and nose and the texture of his hair—natural waves instead of straight like mine. I don't see Chris when I look at Zack, though. I only see my boy and I'm done trying to include someone who doesn't want to partake in our life. All I did was text a picture of Zack to Chris saying his biological son was born and this is all he gets from here on out. I didn't expect a reply or a fight and for that, I'm glad. He has no business trying to be part of our lives now. He had several months to make that decision and all his chances have run out as far as I'm concerned.

"That's everything." I hear Mom behind me and watch her over my shoulder as she rolls in the stroller. I place Zack in his car seat down so I can help Mom tuck the stroller in the side of the closet that currently has all my shoes and jackets.

"I think it's feeding time." I grimace and cup my breast that feels tender and heavy.

"You hear that? It's feeding time." My mom coos and unbuckles Zack from the car seat. She cradles him, rocking side to side, as she continues to mumble non-sense in a baby voice. My lips twitch as I watch them. Mom's been hogging him since he was born.

"C'mon, sweetness." I hold my arms out and Mom transfers Zack to me. "You got to eat now so you can be a big, strong boy."

Zack makes a noise in the back of his throat and the sound is so small and high-pitched that my heart melts. It's still hard to believe that he's here and he's his own person. I can't remember the last time I felt this much happiness. I think Debra was right. I think most of my trauma was associated with the fact that I thought Zack was unsafe as long as he was inside me because I felt incapable of carrying him. Now that he's here, I've never felt more capable of being his mom and I vow to protect him. I feel like a whole new person now that he's here. My pregnancy was awful but so far motherhood has been the complete opposite. I don't mind the sleepless nights and exhaustion in the least.