Afraid of The Light

Chapter 4

Season: 7

Episode: Meet the New Boss

***

"You want some coffee with that?" Sam asks as Dean and I lounge around with a drink in our hands.

"It's 6:00 p.m. somewhere." Dean says simply.

"We got to hit the road. I mean, how are we supposed to get Cas to that lab by friggin' 3:59 a.m.?" Sam says and I shrug, taking another swig. "We don't."

"What do you mean, 'We don't'?"

"I mean, Sam," I say as I place down my bottle and sit up straight. "We can't bring the horse to water, and we can't make it drink. Why fool ourselves?"

"Mia, look, I know you think that Cas is gone-"

"He is gone, Sam."

"He's not!"

"Castiel is gone, Sam!" I snap, the room falls into silence right afterwards. Sure, I've had many breakdowns over the years, heck, over the past week or so I've had countless. But this one was different. This one radiated all the pain that I -as a grieving mother- was feeling. All the hate, betrayal and sadness that is eating me alive. "He's no longer the angel I fell in love with, the angel I slept with. Now... he's a monster that is holding my baby -your niece- ransom.He's just another goddamn monster that is too powerful for us to kill. We're all fucked, Sam. So you may as well sit and have a drink."

"He's in there somewhere. I know it." Sam tries to push, though his voice is softer, filled with more pity.

"No, you don't." Dean joins in. Pretty sure he's web surfing for porn to save in a 'watch later' tab but at this point I don't care.

"No, I don't." Sam admits. "But, look, I was pretty far gone sometimes myself, and neither of you ever gave up on me."

"Yeah, and it turns out that you're about the same open book as you've always been. Hallucinations? Really? I got to find out from Death?" Dean pipes up, changing the subject for my benefit but he has a hand on my lap to keep me calm. It really does help.

"What was I supposed to do?"

"How about not lie? How about tell me that you've got crazy crap climbing those walls?" I keep silent, afraid that if I open my mouth again it will be in sobs. I was broken. I was just a broken person who was kidding herself if she thought she could have anything more than darkness and shit storms. I'd never get something good. I'd never get my baby - my light - back. And now... my other light, the man who has kept me grounded ever since we were kids is suffering too and there is nothing I can do about it.

"Why? You can't help. You got a lot of pretty severe crap swinging your way lately, and- and I thought- what? I thought why burst the one good bubble you had left? It's under control."

"What? What, exactly, is under control?"

"I know what's real and what's not."

"Sam..." I speak up ever so softly but don't dare look up. The tears that glaze over my eyes would surely fall. I'm not giving anyone the satisfaction of seeing that.

"Look, we can debate this once we deal with Cas." I roll my eyes at his incessant nagging before taking another drink of the whisky. It isn't a swig like usual... more of a large chug.

"Yeah, you know how I'm gonna deal? I'm gonna stuff my piehole, I'm gonna drink, and I'm gonna watch some Asian cartoon porn and act like the world's about to explode because it is." Dean says before nodding to me. "And seems like our sister here is thinking the exact same thing. How about we focus on this, for a moment, huh? The things we actually stand a chance on fixing?" Dean clears his throat as he goes back to the computer, tensing when he sees something. At first I thought it was porn, but when catching a glimpse of the screen I see that it's actually news.