Finding Solace

XII

By the time I had returned back the house, the sun has already set. My mind was numb, I felt numb but I still felt anxious feeling. I just needed to breath, just like that councilor said, I just need to breath. I didn't need to rely on a medication to keep me normal, I am normal.

Yet, words were only just words in the end. Actions and reactions are what really defined like, words are just a part of it. I wasn't normal, nor will I ever be normal. I didn't know what normal was. I was young before but I wasn't allowed to act like a kid. Now, I was an adult who could finally make my own decision, yet I couldn't function. Distractions don't always work. Counting sheep and numbers were just a waste of my time. I don't need to breath, I need a solution and right now my solution was my medication.

With my head down, I entered the house, bypassing the occupied dinning room on the way up stairs. Their conversation stopped, their watchful eyes felt heavy, judging, questioning, which didn't help me at all in my situation. I made a straight shot to my room, scrambling to get the plastic lid of with my quivering fingers.

The lid spun off and landed on my nightstand, my fingers already digging around, trying to pull out one of the stupid pills. I growled as the pills slid around, unable to be grasped. Desperate, I dumped them out onto my hand, some spilling onto the stand. Slamming the almost empty bottle onto the stand, I grabbed one of the stray pills and dry swallowed it, not even bothered by the feeling anymore.

Sighing, I sat down on the bed, elbows on my knees, head in my hands. I listened to the families faint voices having an ongoing conversation. They were a really family, normal people, sitting amongst themselves and talking freely. I wanted the normality that I knew I could have.

Eventually the conversation died out, one by one the family turned in for the night. Their heavy boot creaked the wooden floors, their looming bodies sent shadows underneath the door crack. Though separated, they still had each other to rely on. I alone or with others only had myself to trust in, to rely on. Such differences put us apart, convinced me that I did need to leave for I did not belong.

A knock sounded at my door, making me snap my head up. I quickly opened the top draw of the nightstand, pushing the loose pills into it as quietly as possible. Another knock sounded, making me quicken my actions and place the open bottle back into the drawer.

"Faylyn, are you in here?" Mrs. Somers asked, her voice slightly muffles behind the door.

"J-Just a second, p-please." I quickly scanned the floor before shutting the drawer, sealing away my secrets. "Come in."

The door opened to reveal her mop of blonde curls. She would have been the epitome of a Souther Bella with her solid accent and kind soul. The blond hair and the bright smile was all to perfect but she had brown eyes instead of blue, something that made her feel more warm.

"Did you get lost? You were gone almost all day."

"N-No, I was just out Thinking."

"Thinking pretty hard, weren't you?" She mused, eyeing the yellow blanket before sitting on the bed next to me.

"Y-Yeah. I guess I was."

"Would you mind telling me what been stressing you out? You haven't eaten all day. It's not good for you." I pulled at a piece of thread on my jeans, twisting it around my fingers as I stared at my ratty sneakers.

"I think it's best if I leave." I pulled the thread until it snapped, leaving me nothing to distract myself with.

"Oh." She voiced her surprise quietly, concern replacing her shocked tone. "Do you have a reason why? Did something bad happen to you while you were here?"

"No, I just feel like I'm intruding." I admitted. The air felt tense after I had said that and I regret being honest, though, I was a horrible liar.

"What ever made you think that?" Everyone wants compensation, a payment in return for kindness. I didn't have much to offer.

"I-I'm not doing anything. I'm just staying here for free. I can pay for the horse and dog and I can pay for my stay but I still think I should leave soon. I've already burdened you with two animals but a person wasn't included."

"Like I said before, I don't want your money. It is my husband's job to take in and care for animals so you cannot blame yourself for that because it was the right thing to do. The Houston ASPCA will either pay for them or the person who has done this to them, we don't pay anything."

"But I have to pay something. I can pay you for rent or-"

"Not everyone wants money." She took my hand in hers. "Some people just want to help others without needing anything in return."

I lived my entire life based around money. All that mattered was what was in your pocket and how often you could flaunt it. Money was what everyone needed and wanted, the thing that people dreamed about.

"I-I don't underhand."What could they want if they didn't want money? Everyone wanted money.

"Well, what do you want?"

"I-I don't know." Which was true. I had no clear see future. I had nothing going for me.

"Do you no like it here?"

"Yes." I liked the extreme contrast this place was from my previous. For months, over a year, I was confined in a facility I didn't belong in. For my entire life, I had to listen to demanding requests, entrapped in a city of towering building and snobby people. The vast, open land made me feel free. The kind people made me feel things that I had never had before.

"Do you want to leave?"

"I think I should."

"That wasn't the question, Deary." She squeezed my hand gently, giving me a reassuring smile, dimples appearing in her cheek. "Do you want to stay."

"Well, um." Her hand felt warm in mine and she smelled of apple cider, of comfort. "I guess so but-"

"Then no buts. If you want to stay, then stay. You are welcome here for as long as you like or until you are asked to leave, which won't happen unless you hurt my family. But, if you want to leave, you can, but you do not need to."

I reached forward and pulled her into a hug, wrapping my arms tightly around her. She accepted me for who I was. She wanted the real me, not the superficial, 'perfect' child my parents hammered into me.

"Thank you." I whispered wholeheartedly.

She placed a kiss to the side of my head, returning my hug. I felt like crying. The last time I got hugged was from my nanny when she was fired. It was seem as a disgrace to show affection to the 'lower class' to my family and it got her fired. She pulled back from the hug and gave me a grin, showing off her dimples once more.

"Not a problem and get some sleep, dear. You've had a rough day." She crossed the room and quietly wished me a goodnight.

"Good night, Mrs. Somers." I got out before she gently closed the door behind her. Instead of a panicking heart, it was fluttering, in a good way. It was warmth, spreading the feeling throughout my body and I smiled. Someone cares about me, not my cold, hard cash.