Finding Solace

XXII

The smells was an acquired one and it took time to get used to, I've grown accustomed to it. The sweet yet tangy earthy scent of hay filled the barn. The dry feed and dirt messed with my allergies but didn't bother me. The barn had become a safe haven for me. The ability to enter in a stall and close the door allowed me some peace and quiet with such magnificent creatures, taking my mind to a different place, allowing me to relax.

I took my time cleaning the stalls, their excrement not smelling as bad as I would have thought. I spent most of my afternoon laying down new hay and giving horses fresh water. I was actually quite happy when I found calluses growing on my hands, a sign of physical work, something I never had nor even thought of doing before. It was a good change.

I always saved my horse for last. I still haven't named him nor the dog, even after a few months of being here. I put it off, claiming I'd never had a pet and never had to name them. I'd probably pick a bad name, I said often, or I haven't decided on one. Or maybe I feared the attachment that came with it. Getting close to these animals and then having to leave them behind once I inevitably left. Maybe I feared leaving something behind.

Lost in though, I stoked the horse, brushing out it's fur. He was looking much better, gaining weight and healing but I avoided getting to close to his injuries. He really was a beautiful horse and I just knew I had already become too close, too attached. He was going to make it hard to leave.

"Fay?" Startled, I dropped the brush and jumped. Clutching my chest, I turned towards the door. Maverick was leaning on the door, the top half open but the bottom still remained latched. I hadn't seen him since the party a few nights ago, avoiding him just in case he had some unwanted questions.
"Sorry." He took off his hat and rubbed the back of his neck. "I didn't mean to scare you." He kept his eyes locked on my wide ones and I had a feeling he wasn't just apologizing for this incident.

"No, uh, it's okay. "I uh, scared easily." It was true, in some sense, but wasn't exactly the whole story, but it would be easy to get away with this half lie I was telling all the time. The eye contact remained but I dropped it after a few seconds, directing my gaze to the ground. I went to grab the brush I had dropped. Thankfully, the floor was covered in hay, otherwise, it could have startled the horse.

"Wait." He said and I froze, looking back up at him. "Put your hand in him gently to let him know you're behind him, otherwise, you may spook him and he'll kick." I did as he said, slowly placing on his flank before running his down his leg as I squatted down, reaching for the brush.

"Thank you." I glanced at him once more before pulling some stray pieces of hay from the bristles.

"It's not a problem. Trust me, getting kicked does not feel good." Silence hung in the air for a few seconds.

"You've been kicked before?"

He nodded. "Twice. Leaves some nasty bruises. Taught me to learn from my mistakes. It teaches you quick." He laughed, showing his teeth.

"That doesn't sound nice." He shook his head, the grin on his face stayed for a few seconds before letting slowly fall, leaving a relaxed look on his face.

"I really am sorry, you know, for the other night." His voice lost the humor, changing into a more serious, sincere tone.

"Like I said, it okay. I just get scared easily." I repeated, beginning to brush the horse again.

I saw him watching me out of the corner in my eye. I kept brushing but my hand wasn't confident in its strokes anymore, my grip weaker than it once was.

"Have you thought of a name yet?" I shook my head.
"It'll come to you eventually and when it does, you'll know."

"How will I know?" I asked, pausing my actions and looking at him once more. I felt warm under his gaze.

"You'll feel it." The eye contact got easier to hold, and I didn't want to look away. No one ever looked at me the way he did. It was a scary thought but thrilling all the same. His eyes held something, told me something I couldn't understand, but I wanted to.

"So," he said, adjusting his stance, wiping a drop of sweat from his forehead. "we were informed of the court date." The warm feeling instantly flushed from my body, in its place was a cold, empty, an inexistence that held nothing but terrors. How did he know?

"What?" My voice was coarse, cracked.

"The court date, to have the animals rendered to us. My father and I have to be there to give the medical side of things. Usually, the people who find the animals don't come but since you are here, I was wondering if you'd like to. I don't think you'll have to testify or anything but I thought you'd might like to here the verdict in person."

I still remained vacant from all thought, his words echoing in my ears as if I was underwater. The idea of him, his family, knowing the truth of what I did was absolutely terrifying. They are the only people in my life right now who accept me at the moment, the others envisioning me as some sort of monster. In a sense, in a way, I was, but I didn't want them knowing. They couldn't know. I needed somebody to think highly of me, rather than what I really was.

"Fay? Are you okay?" His voice was a lot closer, his boots now right in front of my own feet.

"Uh, y-yes. Sorry." I shook my head, clearing my head from the fog. "I'd love to go."

"That's good, but maybe we should get you out of the heat for a bit."

"I-uh, I guess I should. Just let me put these away."

"No, no, I got it." He said, gently taking the brush from my hand. His hands were warm, the roughened skin made my hair rise, along with the appearance of goosebumps. I could feel his body heat, overwhelming and strong, his breath gently moving my hair. My eyes watched as the brush moved from my hand to to his, yet, they stayed connected. They were much larger than my own, reminding that he was much stronger than me, could easily overpower me, but I still wasn't afraid. For the first time in years, I welcomed touch, enjoying the connection, the power of skin on skin. I grabbed his free hand in both of my own, tracing my fingers across his well worked hands.

"Thank you." I whispered."

"You're welcome." The breath of his words washed over me, once more sending shivers over me before I gently let go, leaving himself standing in the stall, watching as I walked away.