I'll Ride For You, Homie

f i v e

July 27, 1999

Arique

So I've been out for a month now, and I'm still living with my cousin. I have a few stacks saved up, I mostly been spending the money that I have left over from my commissary from when I was locked up. I'm not a big spender so saving up isn't that bad. My dilemma right now is whether I should buy a car first or get an apartment first. I'm leaning more towards the car right now, because it makes no sense to get a place with no means of transportation to get to where I need to go.

It's not bad living here, they live in a two story home with four bedrooms and three and a half baths. The master bedroom and bathroom is downstairs with the half bathroom, and the rest of the rooms and bathrooms upstairs. My room is the junior suite with an en suite bathroom. I just don't feel comfortable calling myself grown while depending on someone else for a roof over my head. Couple that with the fact that Delontae is breaking down my invisible boundaries everyday.

Like, it's barely been a week since the first time, and it's normal for us to kiss and stuff now. Whenever it's just us chilling we will kiss and talk, like on some kick it type shit. It's just pecks, no french kissing. That's all we doing, but I'm trying to remain respectful of the relationship he has with my cousin. We been cuddling, copping feels and shit too. Just...too much in a small amount of time. I'm too close to fucking him. But I'm not on no grimey ass shit. I do not want the karma.

I'm very tempted though. He's becoming like a really close friend on the cool too. Like we chill and talk for hours about anything. We spend our free time together on some type shit. We can kick it and have serious conversations, but we can also joke and play around. I actually look forward to spending time with him most times.

KiKi and I are still messing around as well. We're still not officially in a relationship. Not for reasons regarding her, but myself. Since I'm not at a place that I want to be in life right now, it keeps me from being in a committed relationship. I can't devote enough time to her if I'm focused on bettering myself. If we were to make it official, the shit with Delontae is coming to an abrupt halt.

Sometimes I feel bad about doing certain things with him, and other times I don't give a fuck. I don't want to lower my character to match somebody else's grime. Then I'll be considered grimey, and I ain't no vic; completely. 

Bookies mood swings have been out of this world as of late. Like for the past month. Not with me, but with her man and sometimes child . She's not home much either. I'm not sure if that is normal or not but hey. She is here now though, so I'm going to make the most out of it and go talk to her.

I walk downstairs to find her just to chop it up a bit. When I get down there the TV in the living room is blasting the Looney Tunes for Bugga. I find her in the kitchen on the house phone, speaking in a hushed tone. I let my presence be known by clearing my throat. I would hate for somebody to sneak up on me and eavesdrop on my conversation, so I show her that same respect. She turns to look at me while holding a finger up, indicating for me to wait. I sit at the bar in the kitchen and politely wait, as asked.

When she gets off the phone she sighs deeply. "Whats up, Bookie? Whats the matter, I need to beat somebody's ass?" I rattle off questions at her.

"No. I fucked up cousin." She says looking down. "I fucked up bad." She mumbles to herself quietly, but I still heard her.

"Fucked up how cousin? We can fix it, I'll help you."

"Have you noticed a change in me Bubba? Please be real wit' me." She asks me.

"I mean, you have a bad attitude all the time, but it's only towards Delontae. Every now and again you get frustrated wit' Bugga more than I've ever seen you do, but, I don't know if thats normal for y'all or what since I've only been out for a month."