Ghost Guardian

Chapter 12

I was embarrassed about what happened last night. I thought I could ignore it and push it away, like I did most emotions, but it didn't happen. As soon as I saw Emery's face, I had to attempt to force the rising, uncontrollable emotion of embarrassment away. I didn't want to change around Emery. Something about him was different; something about him made me want to open up. But now, as I walk down the streets of New York, I feel as if I've messed our whole friendship up.

So as soon as I saw his face, I ran. I was scared and felt as if he could see right through me. My feelings were all over the place, and I didn't know why. I didn't know why, after three years of feeling nothing but sadness and longing, why the sight of Emery changed everything I thought about myself. Even looking back, to when he threw salt in my eyes, a normal Aaron would have done something to scare Emery away or, out of anger, yell at him for being stupid.

But no. I decided to take him out on a frozen yogurt "date" and tell him about Severus, the event in my life that only my family knows about and no one else. Except now, Emery knows too. I let him stay in my house after knowing him for only days and kissed him on the temple when he fell asleep on my shoulder. 

And then, last night, he fell asleep in my bed, and I let him stay there. Not only that, but I laid there and held him willingly as he was asleep. Was that considered sexual assault? Is that creepy? Why did I even do that?

Why was this boy changing me so fast?

Was I starting to...like him romantically?

For the first time in years, my heart pounded with that unfamiliar beat. The thought of true happiness. The thought of getting over a lost love with a new one. The thought that I might be recovering from my rut of distancing myself. My heart, suppressed, beat faster with the thought of becoming what I once was: a goody-two-shoes nerd who latched onto anyone who would care.

But then, another part of me wants to cling to the past, wants to hold onto the memory of Severus and never let go. One part of me is scared I'll regret it. Scared that it will end up with another dead body lying in front of me and that I'll never recover. One part of me is scared to ruin what I have and the future I've planned: rejoicing with Severin as we reunite in death. What if Severin moves on, and I never get to feel his presence again? I can't feel his presence now, and that makes fear crawl up my spine. I feel utterly exposed to the real world without my ghost guardian having my back.

He's never left my side. Not in three years. Not until now.

Now that Emery has invaded my life. I don't know whether it's a good thing or a bad thing that I made friends with Emery Adams. I have someone in my life now, is that how it's supposed to be?

I remember promising Emery that I'd be his guardian. Why did I do that? I'm no guardian. I feel like taking it back and hiding from the hooded boy forever. But something was stopping me.

The way he bought me that cake in thanks for his stay. The way he showed up with bruises and cuts on his face and torso because of his mysteriously brutal cousin. A cousin who sounded like someone Severin would beat up back when he was alive. I thought a couple of times about beating that little menace to pieces for what he did to Emery. I was stronger than I was when I was with Severus, not only physically but sensibly. 

I kept walking and walking until I had no idea where I was. I thought about getting out Google Maps and looking for the nearest Chick-fil-a, but I wasn't that hungry and it was still early morning. So I kept walking until I was in a run-down suburban area. I had always known there was a poor residential area near my apartment and college, but I had never been there. Now that I was looking at it, I was glad I had never seen it.