I. L'instant [H.S]

I

Life isn't fair, is it?

I've learnt that over time, costed me more than I can recall and, quite honestly, I still sometimes reel over the fact that there's no balance, there's no control, there's no universal law that will determine whether your actions will trigger the very same thing on another person.

It's kind of misleading, being told that love exists, that it's the greatest thing and it can even cure illness or a broken heart. Because it's not. Love is a mess, love is raw and overpowering, love is controlling and it will most definitely fuck with your head and make you believe things that aren't there, look the other way and pretend everything's right just so your heart can have that nice warm feeling of being loved, even if you're not.

The first time I fell in love, like actually knew I was willing to give my heart to someone, I ended up with more than just a heartache. I was lied to and cheated on, I was told things that weren't real, I was made believe I was important when in reality I was less than a side-course. It took me more than a handful of years to understand that I had just been taken advantage of, my eighteen years weren't enough for me to see or even understand what a massive prick my boyfriend was, because I was simply head over heels for him.

I dated a few boys after but none of them truly sparked an interest in me other than mild physical attraction or the simple need of being with someone for a bit. Always suspecting, always overthinking, plotting or simply telling myself I couldn't allow my feelings to grow, because it wasn't real, because it wasn't worth it.

For the second round, when I decided I was ready to fully trust someone, to start giving a bit of myself to another person, I met Joe.

He was the chillest person in the room but also the cheekiest one, he was overly confident and somewhat a bit of a show-off though he had reasons to. Every other girl inside that bar had their attention solely on him and how could they not? Everything about Joe screamed rock-star, from the full head of voluminous dark golden hair, the broad shoulders and narrow hips, leather jacket and sideways smile.

I wasn't that surprised when he asked me out.

Eric had heard about him, how he liked to show off the easiness of with which he could get the girl he wanted. His relationships weren't serious, short-lived but he was always honest about them with each of his victims. Victims because most of them fell for him, crying their hearts out when he ended it, cursing at him or even going as far as to call out the size of his bulge at one of his shows.

But I never got to meet that part of him, the cocky-self-assured dick people who disliked him, which weren't that many thanks to his ever-present charm, like to say he was.

From the very first time he was like an open book, he was funny and charming, telling me about his family and the things he looked forward to. He smiled shyly and ran his hand through his messy hair every time he felt nervous or I asked straight-forward questions. What I liked most about him was that he had no bad words or negative opinions about anyone or anything.

So being the cynical and blunt person I've always been, I was in awe.

It's been almost three years since that night at the bar, when I first laid eyes on him and asked Eric for his name, and one and a half of living together. We've gone through magnificent moments and then some that I wish I could either erase from existence or delete from my brain. One thing I'm certain, though, and it's that I have loved Joe with every bit of my being, every cell, every particle, there's no doubt in my heart of it.

Today, however, it's one of those days in which I wish I didn't.

"What's wrong?" Eric asks as soon as I walk into the office.