I. L'instant [H.S]

XLIII

He looks a lot different than I last saw him.

"Hey," he says, standing up from the sidewalk. "I'm sorry to come like this but I was hoping to get the Cobain frame?"

I nod, staring at the way he's chopped his hair off. It's hideous and I've got no idea why he thought it would be a good idea. I've always liked his long light hair, the way he would mindlessly let it nest on top of his head in the most voluminous and messy ways. Now he's got a weird bowl cut-like hairdo, a strange and quite awful crooked fringe over his eyes, running down to the sides of his face like some kind of bad joke done to him. He's also let himself try to grow a moustache.

"Right." I nod, forcing myself to snap out of my own shock. "Let's get inside."

He follows along as I tell myself I shouldn't even ask about his haircut, it's gonna be rude and he's gonna know I'm asking because I despise it. So I keep my cool and unlock the door, walk in and leave the door open for him to get in as well.

"It's in the spare room." I say, taking off my coat. "Lemme get it."

"It's fine, I got it." he nods, walking down the hall to where his music studio used to be.

I get into the kitchen, feeling as though following him through will come out as me not wanting or trusting him enough to go by himself into my flat. He did live here after all, he knows where everything was -well, mostly, but he's familiar, he's Joe. Even though he looks nothing like himself anymore.

"Nice ring." he says by the kitchen's entrance. "You never liked to wear those."

"I never thought I would." I nod, looking at the golden ring on my hand. "I'm thinking of getting a couple more."

He looks down for a second, then sighs. "How've you been?"

"Good. There's a lot of work." I explain, taking the kettle out. "You?"

"Well, I cut my hair." he says with a chuckle.

I can't help myself, so I say. "You did it yourself?"

"Is that bad?" he asks with a laugh.

"You did then?" I ask, shocked. "Why?"

Looking away, he gulps down. His smile disappearing completely. "Sarah did."

My heart squeezes over itself until it's hard to speak. It's painful and sickening at the same time. I'm well aware it's the most hypocrite thing to do, feeling the way I do right in this moment, but I can't help to think that perhaps this Sarah girl is the same one he went out with when we were still together. Not that it matters now, really.

"Oh, right." I nod, focusing on filling the kettle up.

"Emilia, it's not-"

"Hey, wait." I cut him off, not wanting to hear it. "It's fine. Look we don't have to go through this again. Besides, we've already give this a closure. We're fine. Whatever you do shouldn't be of my business."

Joe stares at me, as if I'd just said something shocking. "Okay. Well.. I guess I should go."

"I'm not mad." I blurt, not wanting him to think that. "I mean it. I don't want things to be weird between us.

"But they will be." he rushes in. "We dated for almost three years, Emilia. We lived together. It's not like I was just a random hook-up or your kindergarten boyfriend."

I gulp down. "I know that, of course I know that." I bite my lips, hoping this could be over already. "That's why I don't want us to drift apart. I want us to be okay, whenever that happens, because you mean a lot to me."