I. L'instant [H.S]

XXVIII

It's Sunday when Joe and I break up.

He tells me we can work things out, that he swears he didn't cheat on me and the few times he went out with that girl was just to have someone to talk to, to feel less shitty about himself. I want to believe him, and a part of me does, but deep down I just know this won't be the last time, he did cheat on me before and now he's just looking for other girls to spend time with just to make himself feel better?

"You'll do it again." I shake my head, feeling sick to my very core. "Joe, I'm not stupid."

"And you think I am?" he asks, his tone between hurt and upset. "You don't think I know you've been going out with that friend of yours? And then lie to me about it?"

My stomach sinks further into my guts. "What?"

But it's pointless to try and pretend I don't know what he's talking about. I've always known lying isn't a good thing, that it will always come back to bite you in the arse. I just thought my lies would last at least long enough to explain myself first.

This is why you don't fucking lie.

"You tell me I've lied and cheated, but then you did the same to me." he goes on, he's not yelling but his words cut through me as if he was. "I knew you'd lied the first time, when you got home late and told me the other guys were there.."

I watch in horror, with my arms and legs stiff like sticks, unable to move an inch as we both stand in front of one another. "I didn't cheat on you, if that's what you think."

"Emilia!" he snorts, shaking his head.

"I didn't! I mean, yes, I lied and I shouldn't have but I just didn't want you to think I was messing around with him or that we were into something.." I hurry.

"And what about spending the night with him? Uh? You're seriously going to tell me you didn't do anything?" the sarcasm in his voice is clear, it makes me mad.

"What if I had?!" I shout, the rage within my blood making me say the wrong things instead of clarifying. "You've shagged another woman and still you asked me to forgive you."

"So you're saying you did?" he chokes, his face going from hurt to completely feral. "Emilia!?"

"No! I didn't fuck Harry if that's what you're thinking!" I bite out every word, knowing how much he hates when I curse at him. "I should have, though. I should've cheated on you so you know how miserable it makes you feel! How little the sole thought of having your partner want somebody else the way he should want only you turns you into.."

He flinches at my words, looking away but I'm far too deep into my own thoughts, poisoning my brain so the only thing I want is to make him feel like shit. So I do what I should have done a while ago though the only reason I do it for now, it's to hurt him.

"I kissed him." I blurt out. "I kissed him, more than once. We made out at his flat and I saw him a couple of days ago."

Joe's head snaps in my direction. "You did what?"

I don't move, I don't even try to nod, I just stand there and wait, watching as my words sink into his brain, as the image of me and Harry kissing floods his mind. Good. I hope he never fucking forgets it.

"Emilia," he whispers, his eyes watering. "You're lying."

"I was, before." I mutter slowly. "It's the truth. I kissed him-"

"Why?" he cuts me off. "Why did you do it?!" his voice raises, the neighbours must be having a hell of a time listening to our fight.

I laugh, the sound taking him off guard. "Because even though he's the biggest asshole in the planet, he doesn't make me feel like shit! Because he doesn't try to fucking change me, because he likes me for who and what I am! Because he's there."