𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄 𝐌𝐀𝐍! | harry styles

𝐗𝐗𝐈

December 4, 2009

Dear Bella,

Thank you so much for visiting me. I can't even begin to tell you how much better I feel. It made a big difference to actually see your face and know you're there. I'm sorry if my affection was unwanted. I know it's a horrible excuse, but I really couldn't help myself. I had to touch you, to feel that you were real. It's been so long. Forgive me.

A large part of me didn't think you would come. It seemed too good to be true-you seem too good to be true. I know you are still waiting for answers from me, and you don't owe me anything. If you hadn't shown up, I wouldn't have held it against you.

You are the only one I write to or have any type of outside contact with. Please believe me. I have no reason to lie to you. I wish there were some way to prove it. Your trust is important to me, and I will do everything in my power to earn it. I just wish I knew where to start.

I was charged with both first degree assault and robbery as well as possession of a controlled substance. If it were up to me, I would leave it at that, but I know you are going to want more details, so here goes. If for some reason this changes the way you feel about our friendship, please give me a chance to talk to you about it before you completely write me off.

When I moved to Washington, I wanted a fresh start, but what I was really doing was running from my problems. I didn't realize it at the time, but the problem wasn't where I lived, the problem was me. It didn't take long to run out of the two things I needed-money and drugs. You asked me once what my vice was, and I never answered you. I was addicted to prescription painkillers. Hydrocodone, oxycodone, codeine, it didn't matter. I would take whatever I could get my hands on.

I managed to find someone who was selling. Because he didn't know me, he refused to give me anything without the money upfront. Looking back, it was completely understandable, but at the time it pissed me off. You have to understand I was desperate. I was a junkie going through terrible withdrawals. Things got physical, and I wasn't one to lose a fight. I stole the drugs, and because I was greedy, I took his wallet as well. The police were able to arrest me for assault and robbery. Of course, when they searched me they found the bottle of Vicodin and a gun. Even though I hadn't used it to threaten him, they still bumped both charges to first degree. I wasn't able to prove that he was dealing. It was my word against his. Fortunately they didn't charge me with intent to sell, not that it would have made much of a difference at that point. Also, it didn't help that the guy's father was a lawyer, which was probably the only reason he had enough balls to press charges. Want to know the ironic thing? My father is a lawyer as well, yet I ended up with a public defender.

I spent years pondering the "what if's." What if I'd fled the scene instead of sticking around to get high? What if I hadn't stolen something that clearly proved my guilt? What if I hadn't been carrying the gun? If I'd done things differently, then I might not have gotten caught. Maybe I wouldn't be here or I'd have been out by now. One of the hardest things for me has been admitting to myself that I was wrong. It didn't matter that I executed the crime poorly. I shouldn't have done it at all.

I've done a lot of growing up while here. I'm not a dumb kid anymore. I'm clean, and I've changed. That version of me is gone, I promise you.

Are you still with me?

Since I'm on a roll, I'll tell you why I was upset about the money as well. My freedom and choices have been taken away, and I'm used to that. When you sent the money, the prison deposited it into my account. I didn't have a choice to accept or decline it. You had taken my choice away, and that's what upset me the most. If you would have offered, I would have told you no. I understand why you did it, and I do appreciate that you cared enough to help, so thank you again. I'm sorry I didn't accept it more graciously. By the way, the new shoes are comfortable.

I know I have absolutely no right to ask this, and I admit that I'm actually quite terrified to hear the answer, but who is your father and how was he able to pull strings here?

Did you have a nice Thanksgiving? What are your plans for Christmas? I didn't get the chance to ask you yesterday. There were a lot of things I wanted to say. Maybe next time?

Your friend (hopefully),
Harry

p.s. May I call you sometime?