*Inspired by Jeremy Renner's brain fart
Clint sunk into the chair at the kitchen table as Steve slid him a cup of coffee and a plate of eggs.
"Rough mission last night?"
Clint nodded. He hadn't even been in bed until 4am, but his established routine and the fact that he was a light sleeper meant he was still up by 8am. Steve, who always got up around 5am, had already been on a jog and made breakfast.
He practically moaned when he got that first sip of coffee. "You know what's funny? The HYDRA base had one of those, you know," he made pointed to Steve and then made a squishing motion with his fingers, "The um, the touch yourself toys."
"The what?" Steve's eyebrow rose. Was this another 21st century thing he'd missed from SHIELD's education? Or was it a weapon because it was with HYDRA? Steve didn't think that Clint would use the words 'funny' and 'toy' to describe something too awful, but he still puzzled it over.
"A mini Cap. Like the ones they sell at children's stores."
"An action figure?"
"That's it!" Clint snapped and excited yelped. "Since it's a toy of you, you get to call it a touch yourself toy."
Steve knew that it wasn't a normal term, but he didn't mind if that's what Clint's foggy morning brain wanted to call it.
"Just imagine them having a toy of you - their enemy," Tony entered the kitchen in the middle of Clint's speech, "Do you have any touch yourself toys Steve?"
Tony smirked, figuring this was just Clint trying to get a rise out of innocent Steve. He nearly spit out his coffee when Steve calmly responded.
"Nope, they aren't really my style. Nat got me one once, but I think she was joking around."
Clint contemplated that, "Did they even have them in your day? And did she get you a good one? If you still have it I want to see it."
"They existed," Steve reminisced, thinking of the toy soliders some fortunate kids parents could afford, "They weren't like they are now. More simple, nowadays they move and make noise. We didn't have any of that. You'd have to find another person if you wanted that kinda stuff."
Tony's eyes bulged. How was Steve so comfortable talking about sex toys when just last week he had blushed at the burger commercial that featured a woman in a bikini?
"Nat got me a pretty standard one. It's softer than most of the others I've seen. It may be hidden in my closet somewhere. I'm not really sure."
"I'm betting you and Thor have the most." Clint told Tony.
"With them?"
"Just out there. Tony might keep a few on him though." Clint teased.
"Nat and I wouldn't really have any, you know being spies and all. Definitely not any that move or light up or make noise or anything like that."
"That's practical I guess." Tony thought before forcing his mind to focus on the fact that Steve and Clint were openly talking about such a topic at 9am in the communal kitchen.
"That's unfortunate. The ones that move are much better than those that don't." Tony added.
"Figures you'd be into toys Tinhead. All those robots done there could pretty much be considered glorified-"
"-My robots aren't sexbots." Tony interrupted indignantly. "I haven't stooped that low." He shot a light glare at Clint, only to notice that his mouth was wide open. Steve was beet red and had wide eyes. Even if he didn't know what a 'sexbot' was, the word 'sex' and Clint's reaction clues him in enough to get embarrassed.
"With your action figures?" He mumbled at Tony.
"Action figures?" Tony was confused. Why did the two men suddenly freak out? He hadn't added anything too outrageous to their conversation. They were the ones who started it!
"Yeah, we were talking about how even HYDRA couldn't keep their hands off Captain America merchandise." Clint said nonchalantly. "Why do you have to make everything about sex? If you get freaky with your action figures, that's your business, but you've scarred the child in the room." Clint jerked his thumb at Steve and laughed when the man grew impossibly redder.
"I think I'm just gonna go hit the showers." Steve moved to leave, clearly humiliated.
"Wait one second. What the hell? You guys were the ones talking about 'touch yourself toys'"
Bruce took one step into the threshold, heard the word 'touch yourself toys' from Tony and promptly decided he didn't need breakfast. Natasha, who was with him, came to a similar conclusion, but instead, invited the scientist to go out for breakfast with her.
"Tony, 'touch yourself toys' are action figures." Steve calmly explained while Clint, now laying on the floor, fell into another fit of laughter.
"In what world?" Tony said, frustrated, before huffing off to his lab. "Never know what's going on in my own damn tower anymore." He mumbled on the way down.
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Avengers Family
FanfictionA series of oneshots featuring the Avengers acting as a family. Open for requests.
