Forgetting Malawi

22:Digging

Lionel

The heart is only a muscle. So they say. But is it? How can such a simple muscle hurt and do back flips with the littlest of action.

When Mal agreed to marry Ryan my heart did a little twist so much that it hurt physically. I did not even want to ask why because I knew. I had secretly hoped she would say no and then move somewhere else.

I realized I still had strong feelings for Mal. I wanted to wish them away, to ignore them and maybe, just maybe they would vanish. How terribly wrong I had been. With Ryan being my friend and trusting me with many things concerning her, the guilt was eating at me.

Funny thing about guilt is, when it calls to you, it will not let you be until you can wear it like a jacket. It does not matter whether it's too hot outside. It is that cunning.

I made sure to be with someone else if Mal was there. I did not trust myself to behave right with her anymore. It was working, maybe not perfectly but still working.

What would I do to make these feelings go away? Ryan would definitely be angry with me, I was betraying him. Speak of the devil, my phone vibrated violently signalling a call. Specifically from Ryan.

"Hey man,how is it?"

"All good. What's up?"

"Do you mind taking Mal to the community center downtown? I'm really caught up with work."

Oh hell yes I do mind. Ask someone else.

"Not at all I got her"

What the hell?! I can't be alone with her.
"Thanks man."

With that he hung up. How was I going to deal with these feelings? I could not tell Ryan, that would make him mad and feel betrayed. I could not tell Mal either, it would confuse her or worse.

After I reached Mal's place I sat in the car thinking. I was building up my confidence to stay calm and put my game face on. I could keep joking about things or talk about our childhood adventures. No that would be a very bad idea right?

I kept playing scenarios in my mind on what would happen and nothing seemed to end well. I was so lost in thought I didn't hear the car door open.

I felt someone tap my shoulder, I got so startled I jumped in my seat. I turned to see Mal right beside me laughing her heart out.

"That's not funny."

" Oh but it is. I tapped the window a couple of times and you didn't move."

Oh she did?! I didn't hear that either.

***************

After half an hour at the community center, we started off to her house. The community center had offered her a job immediately.

"So, are you going to tell me?"

"Tell you what? Where we're going to celebrate you getting the job?"

"No. Tell me what you were so lost in thought about earlier?"

"No, it was nothing Mal, don't worry about it."

"But I already am. What's going on with you lately?"

"Mal, what are you talking about?"

I decided to play dumb. She would not have known.

"Something is off with you lately. Like at the party, you'd barely look at me and you seemed so in a hurry."

"I'm sorry it seems that way, but it's not. It's just thinking of going back and leaving you alone here."

Oh Lord, please tell me she bought that. I cannot explain myself now.

She looked at me weirdly and nodded. We drove in silence for a few minutes and then we started talking about other things. She had been feeling lonely since aunt Maya left for home. She had been spending some time with Kara the housekeeper and her daughter. She was thinking of going over to the previous hospital to see the nurses.

After we got to the house she stopped, turned around and looked at me.

"I hope there's a good reason why you're lying to me."

With that she walked away from me. Of course she would know I was lying about that.

But I cannot tell her anything. As much as I wanted her, I needed her to be happy, and that was all that mattered. She had been through a lot and now that she was in a good place. I had to get over these feelings for her. For her sake and mine, I had to.

Expectations tear up so many beautiful friendships, relationships and even hearts. It is more dangerous than desperation in its slow, painful and deadly build.

A/N
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