D for Depression [ On Hold ]

Chapter 1: Joker

''Is it just me, or is it getting crazier out there?''

Oh no. Shit. It's happening again.

Why now? God...

We are not even 10 minutes inside the movie and somehow, Joaquin Phoenix's session with his psychologist, manage to trigger my anxiety, or panic attack to be more correct. 

Well fuck.

I can't even tell the difference. All I know is that I'm sitting here with at least 100 people, who are going to witness me faint. Just perfect.

I should have taken the sign, when I couldn't find tickets for the premiere and give up but no, I promised myself that I won't stop doing the things I love, just because I'm scared of these stupid panic attacks.

Well nice try Daphne.

While I'm mentally scolding myself, for not taking the easy road by staying at home, watching something on Netflix like any other day, I realize it's getting harder and harder to breath.

Holding my chest I try to reposition the front of my bra, which by now is suffocating me.

No luck. 

In an attempt to find some relief I take a sip from my water. But I'm finding it hard to swallow. It feels almost as something has stuck in my throat and if I didn't know better I would've believe it. But I haven't eat anything...

Relax Daphne. It's going to be fine. You've been here before.

No matter how bad I try to make myself understand, it's like my body has a mind on it's own.

My hands are sweating, my heart is beating so fast, I can actually hear my pulse in my head. 

Moments like this I remember my psychologist's words. 

''When you are heaving a panic attack, you feel these anxiety waves crushing your body. They are actually putting you in a danger mode.What you must have in mind is that it will pass. Like you are climbing on a mountain. When you are at the top, your anxiety is there too, at her worst phase. But when you start going down, step by step, you will see that all the symptoms will slowly disappear.''

Well sorry Froyd, but I can't wait for this thing to get down the Everest. I'm dying over here. 

And just like that I grab my phone, heading out, but not before I whisper to my friend ''I'm going to pee''.

With a quick nod I try to find my way through the exit, following the dim light of the stairs.

When I'm finally out I run to the bathroom.

Two girls are standing in front of the sink washing their hands and chatting.

I'm going inside the toilet waiting for them to leave. The moment I hear the door shut, I walk out and splash some water to my face.

Damn Daphne... that's how your life is going to be from now on? No clubs, no theaters, no places with a lot of people.. When did you become like this? 

The thought makes my head spin and I know I'm going to faint. Just like the last time on the bus. 

Jesus fuckin Christ.. why me?

Before I can think of anything else, the door opens and two guys come in.

''Shoot sorry. We thought it was the men's bathroom'' one of them says.

I don't even have the time to respond. My legs give up on me and I fell on the floor. 

''Hey'' I feel two strong hands holding me up ''Are you ok?''. 

I try to answer, but the words get stuck on my tongue. 

''Shit, Ethan go get her a bottle of water'' says the guy, while the other one leaves in a hurry.

''Hey, can you hear me? Just nod''. 

I do.

''Good come here.'' 

Suddenly I feel him taking me in his arms and putting me on a small couch. 

My view becomes blurry and I can only hear his deep voice calming me down.

''You are going to be fine, ok? You are alright.''

His words make me feel safe, and the moment I feel him caressing my face I start to cry.

''Hey don't cry, it will pass, do you hear me? Everything is going to be ok.'' he keeps reassuring me, while his hands caress the side of my face and my neck.

His hands are cold and wet from the water he used to smooth me down and it works.

I start to feel better. He opens the first button of my shirt to help me breathe and get some air. My tears keep streaming down my cheeks and what he doesn't know, is that I never cry in front of others. Never. 

Only when I'm feeling safe to express myself and the last person I did this was my psychologist. Which I don't even know if it counts.. I mean that's her job. 

But this man, that I haven't even seen his face properly, how can he make me feel like this? 

The moment I try to speak, someone else comes inside. I guess it's his friend from earlier. 

''Here, the water''.

How long am I being here? It feels like hours, but I'm guessing, only 15 minutes? 

He takes the water from his friend and after open it for me he brings it to my lips. I gulp some of the liquid feeling the coldness waking me up. Slowly I lift my head to face my savior, but what I see takes me by surprise.

And I can't help myself but ask.

''Joker?''

      ***

So this was the first chapter. I hope you didn't find it completely garbage. I don't know if it's too long, or too short..i wanted to write a little bit more, but i thought it may be be tiring..i'm thinking of posting the rest of it tomorrow. If you have any recommendations please tell me.  Thank you a lot for giving this a chance 🙏