{ #5 } Eclipse Of The Moon (MxM || 18+)

Chapter 30 - Withdrawal

Eclipse Of The Moon ~ Book 1 of Aaron
Chapter 30
Withdrawal

Wednesday 25 June 2003

I'm cold.

I'm so fucking cold.

I should have slipped under the comforter, but I didn't have the strength to and simply curled up on my bed. With my fingers clutched around my arms, my nails are nearly digging into my skin as I am trying to fight the chills that make me shiver like a leaf in the middle of a storm. My stomach is rumbling, claiming for food I wasn't able to swallow earlier because for some reason, I just didn't have any appetite.

I don't know what happened.

The rest of the afternoon had gone fairly well since I managed to keep myself busy after Ivan left. I had resolved to do well as a thank you for his great generosity, and my utmost goal was to drown myself into anything that would keep me away from dark thoughts and toxic urges, so I set to my assignments as per his request. I copied the agreement seven times, which not only distracted me from my desire for a joint but also allowed me to register all the details in a better way.

I still find it silly that he should lay down all this on paper, but at least everything's clear. Weirdly, there is something that appeals to me in all this authority, something I can't explain, and however hard it is going to be for me to abide by all these rules, I like the idea that Ivan will pull me from my decadence. I don't regret much of the past six months all the same because despite the difficult situation and the depressing moments, I still had fun with the guys at the squat.

However, as much as I was dreaming of a wild life, it's not what I was yearning for before I ran away from New Jersey, and I like to think that I'm smart enough to have understood that my condition held a large part of danger and unhealthiness. That's why I am grateful to have been given to meet such a generous soul, and now I can't wait for things to truly get better in the future.

Meanwhile, I will have to bear with his strictness because I am determined to get back on my feet, even if his rigidity scares me a bit. I bet the man will be a real pain in my ass – not literally, of course – and even if it yields to fights, I won't let him crush me like my father did. To be honest, I don't know how I am going to react to what he calls sanctions. Copying lines was okayish, but how will I deal with him if he asks me to stand in a corner or if he confiscates my phone?

Anyway, the afternoon went on with a book I picked and of which I read about a hundred pages, then I also put my clothes away in the chest of drawers in my bedroom, but it only took me a few hours and wasn't enough to clear my mind off its negativity. I needed to let some steam off, so I ended up at the gym. Since my body was already quite sore from the morning session, I just walked on the treadmill, which helped a bit but wasn't intense enough to win over my urge to smoke.

Watching TV after dinner only made it worse and with the soreness of my muscles growing, it felt like the world was crashing on me, as if I was sinking into a dark abyss populated with cloudy thoughts. The oppression I used to feel in the past was nothing compared to this; gloom and melancholy were suddenly swallowing me whole.

I hovered by the phone and paced in the kitchen for at least half an hour, trying to gather the guts to call Ivan for help, but I couldn't resolve myself to disturb him. He was probably busy with work at one of his establishments, and I couldn't see what he'd do for me from a distance, so I ended up in my bedroom, took a shower during which I inflicted a scratching treatment to my shoulders, then went to bed.

So, here I am, an hour later, shivering in my bed and unable to sleep. I wish my mind would stop rehashing the same things all over again, but it just won't stop. It's always the same images that play in my head, and they're not always things I necessarily witnessed for real.