The Coldest Summer✓

Fifty-four

Laying in bed, my thoughts are all over the place, turning my mind unsorted. Liam being one of my many afflictions, there's also Samantha who's no longer a part of my life thanks to this unforgettable summer trip we took. Sometimes regrets linger around me, but I want to believe everything happens for a reason.

Perhaps it was just a way for us to see each other for what we truly are.

My relationship with Sam has never been as okay as I originally thought–now I know better. We had issues since way back, but I either chose to ignore, or we rode along the toxicity while believing it was all okay as long as no one is perfect. We never said what we really felt for one another, even when we had to say it all.

Beethoven's moonlight sonata plays on my iPod. The melancholic tune slows and numbs my tired mind as I try to sleep, letting all the troubles stay aside for a while. Perhaps when the new day comes I'll have a better beginning of my life. We'll see what tomorrow holds.

The break of the dawn finds me awake. I managed to sleep for a few hours until I jolted awake upon a very disturbing dream of my first days at the orphanage, the moment I first met Sam. It is guilt or fear? I can't decide. I just know life without her will be a whole new thing.

Probably bad or good, I'm not sure. No matter what has happened, she'll always have a special place in my heart. To me she's a family—the only one I'm left with. She's that annoying and insensitive sister or cousin, that you may hate at times, but love her regardless.

"Who is it?" My voice is begrudging as I hold the doorknob after several knocks.

Cleaning and making breakfast has been my old agenda this morning, followed by my plans to go out and use my camera for distraction. I wasn't expecting anyone.

"It's me," a feminine voice answers.

My eyebrows knit together. It's Samantha.

Why is she here so early in the morning? Tentatively, I twist the knob and pull the door open. Our eyes meet and I'm utterly shocked to find her calm, no hostility glowing in her eyes as she's been yesterday.

"I didn't come to pick a fight, Kira," she says haltingly. "I only need to talk to you."

"Oh? Okay." I find no other befitting answer.

Talk? Sure, we probably haven't done that in a long time now. I just wonder what about. My heart rate catches up as I let her in, and softly I close the door afterwards.

"Are you alone?" she asks cautiously as she drops her handbag on the couch, her eyes giving my house a quick scan.

"Yeah. Liam is not here, if that's what you want to confirm. Have a seat." I fling my hand pointedly as I sit down.

"I see," Sam says with a sigh, her expression a bit hard to read. She looks sad yet angered. It's as if she wants to yell or scream, but at the same time she's holding her composure in tact. "Is he still in L.A?" she asks.

"No. He's left already," I reply, eyes firm on her to gauge her reaction.

A small laconic frown settles on her sleep deprived face. "Everything okay? I feel like you're having issues with him or something."

I stifle a laugh. Is it that obvious? How ironic, though, that it's Sam asking about my situation with Liam. Is she here to talk about him or us? Now I'm very curious.

"Look, Sam." I sit straight so we can see each other perfectly. "With everything going on between us, I find your presence a bit concerning right now. I honestly don't think we're in a position to speak about him in such a way while I'm fully aware that you detest that he's with me." Well, he was, because he may not be any closer to me now that he's gone without saying a word to his supposed girlfriend. "You're probably here to tell me how much I hurt you and that you can't ever forgive me for that, right?"

She doesn't respond, and little by little her anger resurfaces as her neck stiffens.

"I knew it," I murmur in a tired manner, running my fingers through my messy hair. "Sam, I'm not gonna argue with you anymore because I'm tired with this chapter of our lives. I know you had every right to be angry at me for hiding things from you, but I just wished you'd try to understand my side of the story, too."

"Which side of the story? That you never meant to hurt me? That you couldn't help yourself and so you gave in to your desire? That you wanted to hide it until the end, hoping I wouldn't find out?" Tears linger in her eyes but she doesn't yell loudly as she says this.

"I was going to tell you the truth that night, believe it or not," I say with all honesty. She narrows her eyes. "Yeah, I planned to hide it at first. I planned to just book a flight and leave Miami just to run away from my feelings. I wanted to give up on Liam because I was scared to hurt you, Sam. In any involvement I had with him, you were always on my mind because I knew it wasn't right. But from the way I know you, Sam, I knew you'd never understand me. If I told you sooner or later, I knew your reaction would be the same, because you never let me win, Sam. Never. You'd flap if you knew Liam had eyes for me and not you. You know I'm right, don't you?"

Sam inhales sharply and glances away. A teardrop cascades down her face and she wipes it off silently without looking at me. I hate what we've become. I don't like this at all, and I'm hurting too.

"Sam, I'm really sorry and I mean it. If I had a way to change things so no one ends up getting hurt between the three of us, I swear I'd have done it. But I couldn't. I just couldn't let go of him and

"Was I a bad friend to you?" she asks all of a sudden, her voice serious.

"Not exactly," I reply after a short pause of silence. "But sometimes you're overbearing and it's hard to cope."

Where is this heading?

"What is it that you despise the most about me?" She stares deeply into my eyes, her demeanor strange, quite different from yesterday.

"Your insensitivity. You don't care what you say, how you say it, and you never think twice before saying it. I hate that you don't know when to stop, even when you are hurting someone; especially with your words," I reply. "Oh, I definitely hate that you can't tell what I think or feel. And I don't know why you're asking me these questions right now," I add.

"I know," Sam mutters and I think I deserve to understand what she's trying to do here. "I came to apologize."

I stay put for a minute, baffled.

"What made you change your mind so quickly? It's only yesterday you called me all sorts of names," I state quietly.

Sam sucks in a deep breath and smiles nervously at me. She shakes her head slightly, pressing her lips together as if she can't bring herself to explain. But I want to hear it. Why the sudden change when she clearly stated that she can never forgive me?

"I think I'm scared," she finally mutters. I fold my arms across the chest, confused. "I'm scared to be alone . . . alone without you. Fuck, who am I kidding? It's been a hell not talking to you this whole time since you left from Miami. And I've never felt like a big loser as I did when you said we should go our separate ways." She's exasperated and I've never seen her like this.

I inhale sharply, my heart beating fast.

"I know you can totally live your life without me. I know between us you're the strongest and that's why you've put up with my insensitivity and everything else that I possibly made you go through," she tells me, and I can feel my own eyes getting wetter from myriad reasons. "But I don't want to lose you. I hope we can fix this, Kira. I hope it's not too late."