the thing about revenge

34 i r t y - f o u r : after grief comes anger

They wanted me to do an eulogy. So I did one.

"Hello, uh everybody, uh. Uh, I'm Emily and I think I am-was-, Reese's best friend, her closest buddy. I wouldn't lie. Reese has-had, very little friends, just like me. But unlike me, she doesn't talk a lot. She's a quiet listener. Always listening to my shit, my rants and everything that had ever bothered me. I loved that about her and I still do. She is-was- fuck," I swallowed down a sob that had bubbled up my throat and raised my eyes to the people seated in the small church. Red rimmed eyes and shocked mouths open wide at my vulgar word. I giggled a little, Reese would have been just as shocked and I wished more than anything that she was here to smack my arm.

"-don't you just hate it that when people die, everything about them changes to past tense? Doesn't it bother you? Why can't we keep them in present tense? Why? And I don't understand..." By that time I was already a blubbering mess and I couldn't get any of my words together. I quickly wiped my eyes and turned back to my written eulogy. I decided to ditch it after staring at the words but not registering them.

I took a deep breath and said what I really needed to say. I needed to apologize.

"What I regret most was that I wasn't that much of a listener for her. I didn't even notice she just suffering. Every day, I saw that she had a wide smile on her face. But I didn't know that was just a facade. She hid a lot of secrets. Like this for example. I didn't even know she was considering getting the jab until only days ago. I should have known..." I sniffed. "I should have known something was up when she acted all weird around me. Getting involved with all my shitty ideas. For not noticing, I'm sorry. She's gone. But she'll always be right here." I said, putting my right palm across my heart. I crumpled the tearstained piece of paper and shoved it down the pocket of my black dress.

The pastor droned on and on about heaven and how she would be rewarded with eternal peace and glory.

I ignored him.

After the funeral ended and the obligatory handshakes and acceptance of condolences was over, I finally headed back into the car. Clint, Anne, Leanne and my parents followed quietly behind. Asher was lingering behind all of them. I was glad he understood I needed space. All of them understood.

I do not speak for the rest of the day.

Peeling off my dress and climbing into my bed with only a baggy shirt, I pulled open my Instagram. With my page flooding with messages, I clicked on the only profile that mattered.

My eyes burned with unshed tears as I choked. The photographs of us both were too much for me to handle. Every picture consisted of Reese and I on first days of school, Reese, her parents, my family and I during thanksgiving dinners. Reese and I birthday parties. Reese and I. Reese and I, always. It was impossible to think that it was going to be me alone from this day.

So I clicked video call, hoping Reese was there on the other end to answer.

The line rings for eternity and no one picks up.

++++++

"How are you holding up, honey?" Mrs Johnson asked gently as I walked into the house. They'd invited me over for lunch.

I shook my head sadly. I looked at them both and notice that they appeared no better than me. Disheveled hair, eyes red and they looked like they were going to cry at any moment. Like if one broke, the other would too. So I stayed strong.

"You'd always been like a daughter to us. If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask."

I wondered what else I could possibly want in that moment
other than Reese.

I nodded politely anyway.

"She left you a letter." Mr Johnson said as he slipped a small brown envelope across the table to me. Lunch was quiet and painfully awkward. Everything was just different without Reese.

"Things will get better soon." Mrs Johnson said as he hugged me tightly at the doorway.

I nodded politely once again.

Would it really?

I walked home and flopped on my bed before taking the letter, turning it in my hands. Finally, I mustered up enough courage to open it.

Dearest Ems,
You probably think I'm a bitch and hate me so much right now. I can understand. But I'm sorry, I was really in pain. I'd intended to do it after finals so my leaving wouldn't affect you as much. Now that I'm on the way to heaven, you're probably very lonely.

Theres a cheque in the envelope. It's not much, I think it's about $1000. But it'll be enough for you to do stupid stuff. So go chase your dreams. Parachute down a helicopter, and go let that crazy side out. Go crazy. Camp in the forest and crash someone else's wedding. Whatever your crazy mind tells you to do, just do. Except getting yourself killed, of course. Ha. I think im funny.

I hope you find joy in whatever you do. And I hope you find happiness with that bad boy you love so much.

You won't be able to protect me from the bitches in school anymore well, because I wont be here anymore. But I can. #perksofbeinganangel. Haha.

I hereby proclaim myself to be your guardian angel.

Don't forget me,
Reesey Ditsy.

++++++

What all the therapists on the internet said about death was right because now all I felt was anger. I buried myself with all the studying I had to do for the past weeks before I realized that I had to vent. I opened messages and ignored the messages and missed calls from Thomas and Asher and Lydia and went straight to the pinned number. I started typing.

Fuck you Reese. Like seriously, fuck you. In every fucked up year there would always be one fucked up person to blame. This year, its you. You fucked me up so badly, Reese Johnson. And I fucking hate you.

I still can't get over the fact that you're not here and will never be again. I can't pass by the Macdonalds we used to hang without remembering how we lunched there almost everyday of Junior year. I can't pass by the theme park without remembering you. I can't take the subway or even pass  the the station you used to dislike because of the smell. I can't walk past your house without feeling your suffocating absence. I can't stop myself from choking when I hear your name in the hallways and I can't stop myself from crying when I look at our photographs together. I can't sit in the car with Lydia without remembering that the crook of your neck is the one that actually really fits my head. I can't believe I that I have to face Thanksgiving alone now. I can't believe you allow me to face the bitches at school alone. I can't forgive myself for not noticing the pain you were in.

I don't know how to fully love Asher because you remind me that love is so fleeting, so fragile.

And yet, every fucking day I still love you, I hold on to the memory of you and I don't want to let you go.

So I fucking hate you. And I fucking hate this year.

Because this year will be a constant reminder me that you won't ever be here for me anymore.

Message fails to deliver.

ShoRt cHapter but i hope you enjoyed it.
Its true. After grief comes anger and hatred, and it's okay to feel that way. it'll eventually be okay.