the thing about revenge

35 i r t y - f i v e : im so sorry

Asher was knocking relentlessly on the door and I was the only one home due to study break. I groaned loudly because that meant I had to get off the couch, go to the door, find the light switch and switch the lights off.

I tiptoed to the door but the stupid floorboard underneath my big toe creaked.

"Love, I know you're in there."

I grumbled before sighing and then finally I opened the door.

Asher's eyes softened at one look at me and pulled me in for a hug. I wouldn't deny it. I missed him so, so much.

But there was one thing I had to do, regardless.

"We have to break up." I whispered, against his warm chest. And I knew why I had to say it.

He physically jolted.

I couldn't do this. My best friend just died and finals was in two days and my life was a mess and I hated myself for it. And I hated Asher even more for going back on his promise and fighting again. I hated seeing him hurt.

"You promised me you wouldn't fight, Asher." I muttered as I traced my finger down his newest scar.

"I had my reasons, love." He was getting desperate now, I could sense it in his tone.

A year ago, I would've rejoiced, broken his heart there and then and walked away with no ounce of regret pulsing through my veins. But fast forward to today, I loved him, with all my heart and it hurt me just as much to break up with this boy who'd stolen my heart unintentionally, with his subtle actions and his beautiful words, excluding all the profanities of course.

"I can't, I'm selfish, we all are. I need you to let me go because..." There was no because. It was unfair to Asher, I know. But my heart hurt so much it was impossible for Asher to be happy with me.

"I'm here, standing in front you now. And I'm telling you that this is worth a fight. We are worth the fight." His voice broke, cracked and scared as he grasped at all the strings.

I shook my head, tears pouring out from my eyes. My heart was breaking but I didn't know how to fix the pieces back together.

"No. I can't do this anymore. It's too hard. I'm hurting. You're hurting too, as much as you deny."

"Let me be there for you."

"I can't." I breathed. "Asher, if you really love me, please. Please, please let me go."

"You'll be happier?" He whispered, a lone tear sliding down his tan cheeks, before he hastily wiped it away.

"Yes."

I told lies before. I'd told Clint that Leanne ate his last favorite cookie when it was actually me. I'd told Anne that I didn't like Toby from fifth grade when I was actually head over heels for him. I'd told Leanne that unicorns existed when they don't.

But I'd never told a lie as big as this one, because my entire being collapsed and the world swayed completely offside on its axis and I didn't know what I'd just done.

Because when he walked away, his head down low, hands shoved in his pockets, heart hanging out on his sleeve, I completely and utterly regretted everything that had escaped my mouth.

"It'll be better this way." I cried, as I clutched at my chest, sinking to the floor against the door.

I learnt in AP Biology that the heart was just an organ. It was incapable of feeling and it all the more didn't look the heart shape that kids drew on paper, or the emojis we text our friends.