The heart of the ocean

🌋...On my mind...🌋

Thursday of October.

That day I went to school very happy, in the first hour there would be gymnastics, I was so excited, I always liked sports, I never practiced one, I always found it as a way to give vent to our body, free us from every pain that afflicted us, to feel free, feel alive and grateful to be able to move because there is always someone less fortunate than us, who lives life in a wheelchair, but always with the desire not to fall down and look forward.
I would have had a chance to show everyone who I was... at least that's what I thought... Once we entered the classroom and after the appeal, we all went down to one of the two gyms that would be used for the rest of the year. I did some stretching exercises, and after the teacher asked to divide the class into two groups, Manar and I stayed close, not to be divided, but to every guy who was chosen, I looked around and I felt more and more lonely watching each of them go away until I was alone with Manar. At that moment I didn't know what to do, whether to run away from the gym to sit in the benches outside, , or face that sorting that moment that didn't make me feel accepted, made me feel different, based only about being an introverted girl who doesn't mix with the masses to be accepted and thus become a puppet to be manipulated by society.

I decided to stay there, clinging to a thread of time that for me was lasting an eternity waiting to be called by the teacher saying that I could choose the group I wanted, since no one had chosen me. I was so sick that I couldn't even move my arms, I was dropping the ball at my feet, I could hear my classmates laughing, they couldn't help covering their mouth, keeping it shut without tell all those shit.
I went back to class with my head down , without saying a word, not even to Manar, maybe because I realized I was the only one being targeted. The school was not going well, in fact that day the professor of chemistry gave us the results of the test made a few days before. I remember that I had studied to get the best results, every afternoon all the hours on the books, and not having even the phone I had no chance to distract myself.

I was studying to the point of exhaustion, but every effort I made was useless from the moment when all my classmates sat behind me during the questions and put me in such a state of anxiety that I couldn't even say a word. Every time I kept quiet, my brain reset all the information, so my panic attacks started, and only now that am I writing I'm knowing this.

I thought I'd gone crazy after working my ass off and not feel a sense of protection on the part of professors who just asked me more questions while I turned to the rest of the class to see what they were doing... Everyone were laughing like always, waiting for me to get in my place with a row of two, having only one chance to prove what I were made of. How could I open up if everything would have take me to be judged?
I never liked pretending, how could I pretend to be okay? The insults were increasing day by day, drops on my face could not clean that famous stain that made me feel so different. Also in the following days I was interrogated in Italian, and David slowly, from his place moved with his desk behind my chair, and then he approached whit body to my shoulders, all while I was trying to express myself correctly to aspire to the 6.
I could almost feel his breath on my neck, his warmth, I felt uncomfortable, but the teacher didn't say anything. I tooked a 5, given a lot of the excitement of the moment.
The next day there would be the first day of theater, I was so excited just to meet people with my own interests, with whom I could be myself one hundred percent, without filters and rediscover the creative and happy appearance that had settled in the drawer of my heart to be protected from the outside world. I felt as free as in a meadow of clouds, with an infinite sky of bright stars, in a state of complete inner peace that led me to find my lost star in this galaxy. I was finally able to look at the light at that dark moment, as soon as I entered the room, I saw Katty once again. Yes still she...
She was always interested to became a part of something related to the show, in fact I was not surprised to see her among all those boys, we were all of different school years, but that didn't stop us from getting to know each other and embarking on such a beautiful experience together.
As teachers, there were two boys. they managed to bring all of us together with various exercises of both interpretation and personal concentration. For the first few lessons we tried to improvise situations quite simple, just to give vent to our imagination. Some older boys had already had experiences in the past years, so they were already prepared having already performed in various theaters in Milan.