The heart of the ocean

🍂I'll show you🍃

First day of school: I woke up with a security never had before, I put my favorite clothes, the most comfortable shoes bought a few days before, I was so elegant for me that I seemed to be another person, my curls were bright and voluminous, perfect. I looked like I came out of a music video. I was not at all afraid of what could be accessed, by now I had created my shield, my sword was well filed. I even took a handbag with me to be more feminine, flower-shaped reliefs. I repeated the same division into classes, that day I had no one to keep me company at that time. I sat in one of the last rows, I didn’t want to wreak havoc. Out of nowhere, like a surprise on a birthday, the icing on the cake. We were accompanied by the gymnastics teacher.Once the class was formed, we all went up the stairs together, where I met Sina, a girl with my origins.
She had beautiful long braids, I decided to go and talk with her to break the anxiety and the emotion of the beginning of a new adventure that would change my life. I asked her what her name was and after several words we arrived in class, we sat close. In front of us sat a blonde-haired girl: Margherita, and next to her Arianna. At that moment I realized that Sabrina was sitting in a bench in that courtroom, she had also been rejected, but I had no intention of talking to her about what had happened last year.
I wanted to give a new beginning to my life by putting the past in its own place, at least for the time being. We said goodbye from a distance without saying a single word. The teacher began by presenting herself to me and Sabrina to introduce us to the whole class.I wanted immediately to relate well with everyone to avoid what had happened to me. I did it without anger or resentment, simply with wounds on the chest that I had treated with the prayer. I had a good impression of everyone, no judgments, no looks, they all seemed like boys without too much pretense.They did not need to appear through clothes, they definitely had something deeper to show.

I started to talk to everyone a bit as the days went by, I started to get to know Sina better and to know Margherita, who seemed to have things in common with me. They told me about their dreams and their passions, I discovered that Sina, like me, liked music, singing.Her favorite singer was Beyoncé, she listened to all the songs that I liked, she had lived her life in a way very similar to mine,perhaps due to the fact of the traditions in common. It seemed as if I had found two sisters, a strong complicity that bound and grew day by day.We knew each other for so few days, but it seemed that we had met again after so many years. I decided to show myself to them for what I was, without any filters, showing my fragility and fears.

I did not hide anything to them about the previous year, I immediately made my emotions clear. I confessed to Sina all the previous year. I decided to avoid to tell her all the nights I spent crying, praying to God not to make me fall into darkness, of all the moments when I felt lost. I just wanted to convey positive messages, maybe she would be scared, I did not want to sow darkness and terror in her. The last thing I wanted was to pour my pain on the shoulders of others, was my cross and I had to carry it on my shoulders with honor, respect. Despising it I certainly would not have gone far, I would have waited for someone, lying on the ground for minutes, hours, days, years...
And sooner or later, they’d be gone, and then they’d put a coffin in me. How could I tell her that I wanted to reach the top floor of my building, there was an amazing view over the whole city.From a distance I could see the Madonnina of the Duomo in the foreground as if I was already in paradise, and yes with millions of flaws, maybe I didn’t deserve even those angel’s wings on my back.Maybe that anchor I held in my hands prevented me from flying and becoming ash too, ashes like the smoke that pollutes to be filtered by white clouds and reborn in the form of light.I decided to keep it all inside, I had become a doctor in that, I preferred to ask instead where he had done that beautiful hairstyle, reminded me a little me since I also did it many years before. I was struck by the fact that it was the same hairdresser who made them to me, perhaps because our curly hair were difficult to treat.She looked so much like me, I could almost look at myself in the mirror, mirroring my attitudes whit her words, her looks, her laughter. With the birth of our friendship, a new goal was born for me to reach, rediscover the desire to learn something new about my origins.My father and mother had taught me so much, the importance of small and big things, of life, of pain,of strength and suffering, but above all of courage and prayer.
Maybe I was still missing something, for example learning to speak and write in tigrynia language.I remember spending many afternoons listening to my mother on the phone talking with her friends, I tried to memorize as many words as possible, 'Cause in my house you wouldn’t dare just say a word in our language. My father did not like what had happened to him, my father and my mother spoke to each other without us being able to understand something.Over the years, however, they did not realize that listening to them every day,all our summers spent at home with them led us to learn a few words, that the more days passed they became real discourses.
It took years, but neither I nor my two brothers struck us down, for me I was the luckiest. At least I did not lose the knowledge of a language that I already knew but I had to forget at all costs, because of the life and choices of others.I was the luckiest because at least from I didn’t lose hope. At that time that hope was ignited in the form of butterflies in the stomach that just wanted to be freed from that cage to show their beauty, their colors.I had finally found my person, my foothold,my home in case I felt lost in my choices, in my passions and life lessons:Sina.
I remember that sometimes we happened to sing songs with her, many of the times songs of the queen Beyoncè, her source of inspiration. She could reach all those high notes as if she were climbing and descending the stairs of her house but with the same strength and power as when you are without elevator and you feel all the weight in the legs of the expense brought on the muscles of the arms.It seemed that she was doing gym with her vocal cords,but the sweat was caused by something she never told me.Perhaps because of the need I felt to be put first at least for the first time in my life.
With the patience of a mother she listened to me every time I went crazy, giving permission to my past to flood my present, I was in silence sometimes repeating the same things, the same sufferings not to worry her. I had other things on my mind, certainly not only love problems, but how could I expect her to grow up as fast as I did? I rather told her how smart David was, even if I didn’t felt nothing at all. How beautiful my former classmates were, how jealous I felt when Natasha leaned on David even though I didn’t think I had feelings for him, those nights spent learning Spanish dialogue.I didn’t tell her much about Kim, She and I had a relationship that was too special to be understood by anyone, I was the one who was her big sister.
Even she didn’t know all the pain I was feeling, I preferred to worry about that fight between her and her former best friend, her first kiss,I never told her about my past, even though we knew each other since many years. How could she understand that? Understand my situation? Only an adult could listen to me and reassure me, but to whom I could turn,all it's been created because of my father? My mother asked to vent all her despair with me.I always saw her cry, my brothers did not care.
From the thirteen years I had to become a woman forgetting every type of adolescent leisure, I had to start looking for foreign lawyers, because in Italy my mother had not yet managed to have the justice that deserved, was rejected by any person even because of our economic situation. We had to rely only on the kindness of some good person who would try to help us find the truth