Highly Inappropriate

52.

It's been three weeks since Ashley left and I barely managed to get out of bed to attend school and my work shifts.

To be totally honest with you, while going to work was a necessity, I didn't give a flyin' fuck about school anymore. Going to classes was just a sad reminder of her leaving me, but my best friend made her her personal mission to kick my ass all the way to school in order to not screw my entire senior year up, and just like that.. it was graduation day.

You see, the three weeks ago me would've been happy out of her mind to be graduating: no more sneaking around, no more being forced to see her only in the comfort of each others' houses; graduation meant freedom. Graduation meant we could've gone out and about without a care in the world; it meant we could finally go on a freakin' real date and not be bothered about who saw us or what they thought of us.

But none of it mattered now, no. Cause present me felt empty, heartbroken and without any will to live left.

Sure, I had my brothers' love and the one of my friends, all of them deeply concerned about me might I add.. but it just wasn't the same. Or at least, it wasn't enough.

The giant void she left was slowly swallowing everything that surrounded me, and I knew I couldn't get rid of this emptiness burdening me even if I wanted to.

I found myself hating everything we had, hating my room, my home, hating every single thing that reminded me of her. I found myself wishing I had the common sense to not get involved with her, but then again.. I found myself replaying every little significant moment we shared, and even though it was followed by me crying my eyes out, I couldn't help the smile that those memories brought to my lips.

I know, it's really fucked up.

Not to mention, I've spent the first two weeks calling her, texting her, emailing her, but obviously to no avail. I also tried to reach out to her sister and parents, but it seemed like the Stevens' family vanished from the face of the earth. Then I realized.. why was I trying to find someone who clearly didn't want to be found?

That's when I reluctantly gave up.

Actually no, I gave up when her phone carrier told me that her number was no longer active. Or when, after the 15th emailI sent her, with nerdy Jason's help, I found out she blocked my address. Or when I saw a family move into her house over a week ago, the rental sign disappearing as quickly as it appeared. That's when I gave up.

And if I despised relationships before, you could say I loathed them now. I used to make fun of people getting so involved, so engrossed with another person to the point they started to depend on them, almost like an addiction.. and now? I was definitely mocking myself for doing just that.

Thing is, I wasn't depending from her person as a whole.. With time, I've grown to depend on how safe and warm and happy she made me feel, feelings that I haven't experienced ever since my parents left to the point they became utterly unfamiliar to me. Feelings that were no longer there, and the lack of them was tearing me apart once again.

But what was really bothering me wasn't just the heartbreak itself, nope.. What was bothering me were all the 'what if-s', all the wondering about whether I did something wrong or not, but mostly the only question I had was 'why?'.

However, I sadly came to the conclusion that these questions I had would most likely remain unanswered and there was nothing I could do about it except make up my own mind about it.

But it was easier said than done.

"Babe? Are you ready?", Jess' voice echoed from downstairs, snapping me out of my umpteenth mental conversation with myself.