Burning Love

Lifeless

Chapter Five
XiaoBai

I hoped the change of the season would come and take away the ache as it goes, I hoped that by now I would be able to laugh and mean it.
I had hoped that this dead feeling would be gone and I'd be able to live,
I can't breathe I feel like there's a wound in my heart and it gets bigger everyday, every night.
I don't know what it is to smile,
I don't know what it is to sleep and I don't know what it is dream.
Flowers go through change, they grow, bloom and whither the cycle never ending but I have only whithered and I haven't gone back up,
My cycle has ended there's no more blooming flowers, no more colour everything is just black and white.
My heart! My heart are you still there? You have been so quiet, have you moved too? To a place where there's only silence and nothing to move you,
I feel like I'm living without a heart,
Faced with this black void my nightmares are more inviting than my reality.
Am I living or am I dead,
I cannot tell the difference
In my eyes everything is the same, I'm so broken without you.

I was sitting in the peach groove staring into space and hearing nothing but the gentle wind, I haven't spoken a word since I came back not because I don't have anything to say but it seemed that I had lost my voice. My parents and my Uncle seemed to worry everyday and every day will be worse than the previous one, I wanted to try to ease their worries I can be miserable by myself than I shouldn't make them miserable too. "U...un..uncle." my voice croaked it felt very dry and I  tried to clear my voice but I was right it was very dry, uncle brought me some peach wine that he had just opened today. I took a very welcomed sip and I sighed in content. "Jiu're finally you're talking." He gave me a toothy grin. "I was starting to think maybe I should sell you off." I laughed and it sounded so foreign to me but soon the laughter had turned to heavy tears. "Cry it out little one, it will be okay." He hugged me into his arms softly. " I don't know what happened to you but just know I'm here and I will always will be." Hearing those words made me cry harder after a while I calmed down, I looked up at my uncle and he wiped away my tears. "You damaged my ears." He said deadpanned and I burst out laughing, we talked for the rest of the days about random things and eventually I told him about my trip to heaven but I told him the edited version without any of those memories, I was trying to avoid saying his name the best way possible and I was avoiding to think about him at all cost. My uncle didn't give long lectures he just let it be, he was just glad that I was speaking again eventually I went back to the fox cave and it was back to business as usual, I studied during the day and practiced sword magic at night however Uncle told my parents that I shouldn't fight anymore as I had permanently damaged my shoulder, I could still learn but I shouldn't overdo it. I was making progress and my father seemed pleased so did mother, one night I heard them talking about me while they were drinking. "Jiu're is really growing up now." My father said his voice laced with pride and my mother agreed but uncle hadn't said anything for awhile but eventually he spoke. "What do you mean Bai GeGe" He sighed softly. " She has stopped behaving childlike, she's mature, doesn't cause any trouble and has stopped chasing whatever she was trying to chase." He stated proudly again. " It's like she grew up overnight." Mother commented and yet again. Uncle was quite till he spoke again. "If she was really all those things, she wouldn't be trying so hard. It would be effortless." He took a sip of his wine, they were drunk now and chances of dad remembering anything were slim. " Jiu're is in love with Dong Hua Dijun." Both my parents choked on their wine, I could just imagine their facial expressions. "Since when?" Mother asked her voice two octaves high. " I don't know but what I do know is this, she faced some very hardships in heaven and she doesn't want to speak about them and that's okay but whatever happened there, made her lifeless." Silence filled the fox cave. " Lifeless? She looked normal to me." Father said while mother hummed in response. "When she had arrived in the peach groove she didn't say a word for at least ten years, she looked more torn than I had ever seen anyone, it was like someone had buried her alive, she didn't smile, sleep or eat. It seemed as if life had been taken away from her, she didn't even want to drink and I still wonder what happened. Now she's just trying and trying so hard, you can see it in her eyes she has given up on living, you could see it in her eyes she's no longer living for herself but for us and her people. You're right when you say she's grown up but she's growing up the wrong way, burying her pain and acting like nothing's wrong and moving on that's not growing, that's being on survival mode." I could feel my hot fresh tears surfacing he had been more attentive than I thought at least I had managed to fool my parents into thinking I'm fine, what's breaking me the most was that he was crying. He felt the pain for me, I quickly dabbed away the tears and cleared my voice then entered the sitting area. "Uncle you came all the way here and you don't even tell me." I make a disapproving face, he laughed and hit my forehead. " You naughty little fox." My parents on the other hand looked like they were hit by a tsunami, their facial features looked so wrong. "Mother, Father why do you look like you tasted something distasteful?" They seemed to remember themselves and fixed their facial expressions. "Oh nothing dear, come drink with us." For the rest of the night we sat, danced and drank until mom and dad passed out, uncle wanted to go back to the peach groove although it was safe, I didn't want him going alone. I safely tucked him into bed I wondered around for a bit, I stole some wine jars and  I walked around the path of the peach groove, I was so lost in thought I didn't feel myself bumping into something, all I knew was I couldn't move forward then I looked properly where I was going but the colour purple invaded my eyes and the scent of sandalwood assaulted my nostrils and there he was, staring at me with those golden brown eyes.