𝐩𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐫𝐚'𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐱. carl grimes

THRITY-SEVEN: a dissaproving gaze

3,233

3,234

3,235

I heave the numbers under my breath each time my boot hits the hard concrete with a thud. With my eyes trained on my feet I try my hardest to focus in on the numbers. Not on my aching back, throbbing feet, hungry stomach, thirsty throat, or cramping heart. It was a trick my mom taught me when I was little; focus on the counting to drown out your discomfort. I used to use her trick when I was irrationally mad or when I was sick. Back then I would've never thought I would use it to keep my own hunger at bay.

"What number are we at now?" Carl asks softly, leaning in slightly so I could hear.

"I'm at 3,243" I reply, not taking my eyes off my feet.

"Damn, that's a lot of steps" he sighs, readjusting Judith in his arms.

I peel my eyes away from my feet and look up at Carl. He was in obvious discomfort, the baby weighing him down. "Let me take Judith" I tell him, my arms outstretched.

"No, it's fine" Carl answer, readjusting Judith once again.

I slow my pace to give Carl a firm look. "You're not fine, Carl. You've been holding Judith for the past couple miles. Give her to me" I command. Carl finally gives in with a sigh. I take Judith from his arms and is immediately weighed down. It was like carrying a 12 pound weight. I don't know how Carl does it all the time. I position Judith in front of me, her little legs splayed across me. I look down at her and she lets out a small coo. I allow for a small smile to cross my lips. Judith finally liked me.

As my smile fades I look down at my feet to realize, I lost track. "Goddamn" I curse under my breath which earns Carl's attention.

"What is it?" he asks frantically.

"I fucking lost track again" I growl. Every single time I make it to 3,000, I lose track somehow. I look over at Carl and he gives me a melancholy nod before looking away. "Carl?" I ask, "Talk to me please. I need something else to distract me"

Carl nods and with a small smile asks me, "Would you rather be a bear or an eagle"

I let out a small chuckle, surprised at the randomness of Carl's question. "That's a good one, Sheriff. I'd have to go with..." I pause for second, weighing the pros and cons in my head before finally choosing, "eagle"

"Same" Carl answers, "cause if I'm an eagle, I can fly away from everything, not have a care in the world"

"We could fly away together" I blurt, my face turning bright red the moment it crosses my lips. Carl looks up at me in shock before letting out a small laugh. I join him in laughing, my fear easing up with each breath. Carl takes one of my hands in his and give it a squeeze. As he does this I remind myself, I don't have to be all tough around Carl, he wouldn't judge me for being vulnerable.

-

After a couple rounds of would you rather Carl asks, "Is Judith getting heavy yet?"

I let out a small chuckle trying to play off the pain of the baby in my arms. She had gotten heavy 5 minutes after I started holding her but I wasn't going to let Carl know that. He deserved a break. "Light as a feather" I joke.