𝐩𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐫𝐚'𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐱. carl grimes

THIRTY-EIGHT: dumb hat

A loud crack of thunder echoes through the barn over the constant drumbeat of rain above my head. I lay my head back onto the wall, my neck stretching upwards as a bolt of lightning near by momentarily illuminates the dark ceiling above. I felt a tight squeeze of my hand and look over to see an asleep Claire adjusting herself to curl up facing me. A small smile makes its way onto my lips as I squeeze her hand back. Claire was so afraid of thunderstorms when we were little especially when we were at dad's house. Dad normally wasn't around at night when we were over so we were left alone in his decrepit house. Every month when we went over there was always a thunderstorm and every time Claire would end up snuggling up with me in my bed crying for mom until she fell asleep. I stayed with her all night, protecting her until dad got home and brought her into his bed. What i would give to be back there; drinking hot chocolate while my dad got drunk, comforting Claire when she was afraid of the storms, and quietly crying to myself when I had to go back to mom's. Our home might have been dysfunctional but we loved each other and that's all that mattered.

With a quiet sigh I allow my head to fall on top of Carl's who was sleeping on my shoulder. His hand was gripping my free one. I force my eyes to close, trying to drift off to sleep but I couldn't. I was surrounded by the people I cared for the most yet I all I felt was a deep unsatisfaction as my dad's look replayed over and over in my head. Every time I tried to fall asleep, there is was. I open my eyes in frustration and bang my head against the wooden wall behind me. With a huff I glance around the barn until my eyes focus on the fire.

Most of adults have been sitting around the fire most the night chatting inaudibly. Except now I watch as my dad stands up and walks away from the fire all while calling out, "We ain't them" He walks past me and through the stable doors that separates the rest of the barn from the entrance. I quickly glance between the fire and the swinging doors until I finally decide to get up. I carefully untangle my way out of my sister and Carl's grasp before standing up and swiftly making my way towards my dad.

The moment I pass trough the doors the storm gets two times louder. The chained entrance to the barn bangs together as the rain makes its way through the crack. My dad paces in front of the door, crossbow in hand. He turns to do another pace across the doors but stops when he notices me. "What are you doing' up? Go back to sleep" he snaps.

"I can't" I growl.

"Try again" he snaps again before he quickly returns to his paces.

Bubbling with anger I quickly rush forward and grab my dad by the wrist, stopping him. He turns around to look at me before yanking his wrist from my grasp. I look up at his frustrated, dirt caked face and the image plays once agin in my mind. "No, I'm not going to bed until you tell me what that look as about"

"I have no idea what in the hell you're talking about" my dad snarls, obviously lying

I scoff as I wave my hands into the air. "Oh please. Don't lie to me. I know you know what I'm talking about" I exclaim, "Back at the road? After the kiss?"

My dad rolls his eyes as he turns his head away, "What is there to know?"

Both my dad and I had a short temper. My mom used to tell me everyday how much I reminded her of him. So naturally whenever we fought, which wasn't much, it was explosive. I didn't want to have one of those disastrous arguments here but I just couldn't hold back. "I wanna know why the fuck you don't want Carl and I together! God dammit dad! Can you just be fucking supportive of me for once? You never were when we were kids! The one weekend you got us out of the entire month you were off drinking with your friends every single goddamn time!" I yell.

"I don't have to explain myself to you, Finn" my dad growls back as he takes off pacing again.

His quieter tone didn't stop me though, it only fueled my fire. "Yes, actually you do because it's my life you son of a bitch and I can do whatever the hell I want. So please give me one good reason Carl shouldn't be my boyfriend" I yell, my fists clenched so tightly my hands were turning red.