Forbidden Fruit

Chapter 4 - Change is quiet

I should be happy. No, I should be relived that my life was still the way I knew and liked it. I thought after I had confronted Nick, everything would go back to normal and my confusion would be at peace. But it wasn't. Nick had made it very clear, that he didn't really mean anything when he kissed me, since he can't remember it and isn't really secretly in love with me or shit. That was the answer I genuinely hoped for. But somehow, I didn't believe it. 

Don't get me wrong, he said it very believable and Nick was also not good at lying, but he was good at pretending to not notice things, especially about himself. He took it so lightly when I told him he had kissed me. No 'Oh my god I'm so sorry, I was probably just horny and lonely' or whatever. If it was the other way around, that would surly be my reaction. And shame. Not that Nick should feel ashamed, but I would genuinely question myself and if my gay ass can't control itself if it was the other way around.

It had now been two days since the kiss and I was back in class, thinking only about the situation I was stuck in. I wanted to believe Nick, I really did, but could I? I never in a million quadrillion years thought Nick would kiss me, never. But he did. It was just a little weird that he apparently really had only done it because he was drunk. Because the way he had looked at me before the kiss, how his hand had held my head in place with so much care and so gentle I.. That wasn't an accident! I knew he was drunk and all, but he definitely knew it was me. And he definitely wanted to kiss me... his reaction the other day only added to my confusion. 

I never for once thought about the fact if I liked it or not. Because that was irrelevant. Nick was my best friend and kissing him it was.. weird. Almost like something you should never ever do. I wouldn't compare it to kissing a relative, because that is just so wrong on so many levels, but it had the same gut feeling. Like... that isn't supposed to happen. And I never thought it would. Nick was straight, very very straight. I don't believe in boxes, I think there is a spectrum, even though I would basically call myself 100% gay...yes indeed, but I would have maybe put Nick at 99% straight. You can not tell me that for me... somebody he shouldn't kiss even if he was attracted to guys, he let that 1 % happen. 

"Mr Scott, do you want to demonstrate?" my professor ripped me out of my thoughts. And of course I wasn't listening. But when I looked on the board, I saw the equation and simply shrugged "Its 10 years" I replied to the obvious question of the life of a lightbulb if the parameter is 0.10. I was currently sitting in statistics and this was just basic. That was one thing I surprisingly had in common with Nick. He was really good in school. Yes, I am not kidding you, my idiot of a best friend couldn't tell you what the capital of France is or whats the name of his girlfriend, but he always had the best grades. I thought he was cheating, but he really wasn't. I don't know how he is so smart in tests and so stupid in real life. 

I was also good, but I actually studied and I would consider myself a pretty intelligent person. Except for right now, where I had no idea how to handle the situation. I mean, was there anything to handle? Nick had surly forgotten about it, right? Why shouldn't I just do that? I wanted to ask him again, if he really didn't remember the kiss or could explain it somehow, but that was too risky. I just had to live with it apparently. 

When the bell rang, I stood up, gathered my things and was ready to leave, when I suddenly tripped, falling flat on the ground, like the graceful beast I was, my books splattering everywhere. When I looked up, I saw Max or Malcom or whatever from a few nights ago, glaring at me. That fucker tripped me. A few people stared, but when one of my teammates offered me a hand, I slapped it away, getting up myself. I did not need to depend on anybody. My blood was boiling, especially when that guy was standing there, waiting for a reaction from me. 

I really wanted to punch him, but I was able to control my emotions, so I just took a deep breath, before shaking my head and chuckling. "Goodbye" I simply replied to the guy, before walking away. Who knew tops could be this sensitive? I mean, I already knew that. Quite a lot of guys don't take heartbreak too easily, especially when you don't care at all. Guys say they want a one night stand, but when it actually turns out to be just one, their ego is damaged. Well that isn't my problem.