Forbidden Fruit

Chapter 18 - Love isn't enough

I just needed a minute to calm down...Fuck. Come on emotions, just stop existing again! Ok, deep breaths in and out. You are fine, everything is fine. Push them down and stop being a drama queen. Forget what you are feeling and get back to your friends and your father, who cooked for all of you! Nobody deserves your mood swings Jax, come on, pull it together. You have done it before, you can do it again. It wasn't even that bad, why was I getting so worked up about this?

I wiped away the tears, that unwillingly left my eyes, as I took deep breaths, looking into the mirror. Stop it, don't let your emotions get the best of you. Don't let Charles control you like that. He only tried, ok? You weren't raped, so stop crying! I closed my eyes, taking deep breaths. Fuck. They were probably downstairs, talking about it. Would Nick tell them everything? Maybe. I didn't want them to know. Yes I loved and trusted my friends, but it wasn't that big of a deal and I just...I wanted to forget! I didn't want this minor inconvenience to control every aspect of my life. 

So I continued taking deep breaths. I would just go downstairs again, saying that I was fine and change the subject. Maybe ask Luke, Amelie and Blake how school was going and how they were preparing for the finals. Lame, I know, but at least I wouldn't have to talk about myself anymore. I knew Nick felt incredibly bad and wanted nothing more than my forgiveness, since he probably thought I was going to end whatever it was that we had, but I wasn't. Because I wasn't angry at him. I was angry at myself for one, letting Charles get that far and two, for having such strong emotions towards the situation. 

Yes it wasn't right of him to just tell the squad and my dad what had happened, but I wasn't really angry at him. And even if I was, I wouldn't just go and end our...whatever, just because of that. Taking deep breaths helped and when I felt my emotions retreating to the back of my mind, I opened my eyes, looking at myself. I was fine. So I walked towards the door, opening it and just as I was about to leave, I looked into Blakes eyes, as he had his fist raised, since he obviously had been about to knock on my door. 

"Oh. Hey...I was just about to go back downstairs" I said and Blake raised an eyebrow. I knew exactly what he was thinking, so I sighed before saying "I'm fine, lets just continue having a nice dinner" In my opinion I was pretty convincing, but Blake only scoffed, shaking his head. 

"Yeah, right. Come on big guy, lets talk" he said, pushing past me and walking into my room, before sitting down on my bed. Blake was probably the only person I would even be able to talk to right now, but still, if I closed that door and sat down besides him, I would break all the barriers I just build. Was I ready for that? Hell no. But I also knew that Blake would most probably help me somehow...I didn't know how, because he was an idiot sometimes, but also surprisingly wise for an 18 year old. I guess if life fucks you up, you just walk out of there, knowing more than before. So I sighed, closing my bedroom door again and joining Blake on the bed. 

We were quiet for a moment, not even really looking at each other. I think Blake was giving me some space and time to say what I wanted to say. We both knew what we were going to talk about, so either one of us just had to make the first move to do so. 

"Did Nick tell you guys everything?" I asked, because that was the first thing that came to mind. Blake sighed, shaking his head. 

"No. After you left, your dad tried to get Nick to tell him everything that had happened, but he said, that that was all he knew, since you refused to talk about the matter. Now I don't know if that was true or not, but I think he's really sorry for dropping that bomb on all of us without your consent. I told them, that it also wasn't their place to talk about this without you and then I send them all home, since I knew you needed some space right now. I hope you are alright with that?" Blake asked and I nodded, because in all honesty, I wasn't really ready to go down there and face all of them again.