Take on Me

21

¤ Can I
Tedy ↲

Can I trust you
Does your smile hide lies
Can I jump in
And close my eyes
Can you tell me that you'll be here
For all the little things
Can I lay here
In your arms

▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎

Fuck. What was he doing?

Taehyung had feelings for Jungkook. Feelings. His thoughts were consumed of all things Jungkook . . . his body yearned to hold Jungkook . . . his heart fucking hurt when he wasn't with Jungkook.

Taehyung yearned to give Jungkook his mind.

His heart.

His soul.

His body.

But he didn't say any of those things to the boy.

Instead, he pushed away the best thing that ever happened to him. After all the progress he made over the last few weeks - however small it was - he thought he was better. He thought he wouldn't do something like this.

Years of thinking he'd never be good enough for anyone took a toll on how he viewed relationships. Quite frankly, Taehyung never wanted any part of opening himself up to another in that intimate of a way; baring his soul wasn't particularly appealing. So dreams of calling a person his and his alone never filled his head; dreams of handing over his heart never crossed his mind.

It was never an option, a want, or a need.

Though the moment Jungkook entered his life, Taehyung knew the boy was different. He knew that he was different when he was with Jungkook. When the two were together, Taehyung felt whole in a way he never had before. Pieces of himself that he believed to be nonexistent - a desire to be held, the increasing need for intimacy - were slowly but surely growing within him. Jungkook brought out this completely new side to him, a side he spent years believing he was incapable of having.

Taehyung was changing because of Jungkook in the best ways possible.

And for the first time in his adult life, Taehyung was debating opening up about what he experienced as a child.

After he tried - and failed - to get his parents to believe his ordeal, Taehyung never spoke about any of it again. No one listened to what he was saying, so why bother talk about his painful experiences in the first place? Maybe if he was more trusting of others, he would have tried again. But any sense of trust he had was shattered long ago.

As the years of his silence progressed, a small part of him wondered if it was better to keep quiet. He even started to believe that by not talking about his abuse, he could pretend like it didn't happen in the first place.

But it did happen.

Even admitting that fact to himself was something Taehyung hated. Recalling those memories left him feeling weak and dirty, incapable of protecting his own body from predators. He was afraid of being judged or thought of as lesser when others found out. So he decided to just keep quiet. It took a lot less energy - and pain - to downplay what happened and to keep it a secret.

But he couldn't downplay it forever. He shouldn't keep it locked up within him as a shameful secret. By staying silent, he was just denying himself the help and relief he needed.