A Dance Of Blades and Hearts

the space between us

"could you not look like you're enjoying trying to take my head off?" clen says as our swords clash repeatedly and I grin at him

we had pretty much fallen back into our normal routine since I got back some days ago and I was grateful for it.

The burden in my chest though wasn't any lighter

I had not seen the emperor since then and my brain knew that was a good thing, but my heart doesn't think the same,

I don't think I can handle any conversation with him, there's just too much I don't want to deal with, so much I can't deal with and all I can do is just hide from it all.

My heart still skips a beat when I think about how we kissed and something I recognize as longing settles in my chest,

but the overwhelming feeling of guilt I feel after is enough to make my stomach curl in pain.

I was so confused, I'm supposed to kill him, that's the entire reason I'm here, but every part of my being wants to be with him so badly I'm surprised at how much.

My dreams are plagued with Amber eyes and a blinding smile that isn't mine to keep and the thought makes my chest ache,

I was in so much trouble and all my brain keeps telling me to do is hide, hide from everything. 

I shouldn't want this with him, I shouldn't even feel this way about him, what kind of cruel fate made me fall for the one person I can't have?

I clash swords with clen and his eyes are shining, my mind settles on how sad they looked just a few days ago

What kind of fate put me in all this?

*********
"slow down your highness " uncle calls and I look up at him from the piece of parchment in my hand

"hmm" I mumble waving him off and I hear him sigh

"have you even had breakfast? you look worn out " he says concern lacing his tone.

"I'm fine uncle" I say offhandedly

"you're going to burn out if you continue like this, you haven't taken a break from preparations in days " uncle states, tone worried.

"that's because there's so much to tidy up uncle " I shoot back

"indeed nephew?"

"of course "

"face your problems head on your highness " uncle finally says and I raise an eyebrow without looking up at him

"are you gonna say it's a hunch this time or admit that you and my bestfriend are in connivance against me " I reply not looking at him and I can almost imagine his eyes rolling

"and besides uncle, she's the one avoiding me "

"are you sure about that? " he asks quietly and I look up at him, brows furrowed

"uncle, I just said so " I deadpan but he ignores me

"you know her orlan, if you really wanted to talk to her you'll know where to find her " he says matter of factly and I sputter

"I'm not following uncle, what are you trying to say? " uncles eyes soften

"what I'm saying nephew is, maybe you're scared of what she's going to say " he replies and I freeze body going rigid

It was disturbing sometimes how much he and song know me, I didn't even know that I had been doing that,

but thinking about it now I realize that I have, scared that the kiss meant nothing to her, that she doesn't feel anything for me.