A Dance Of Blades and Hearts

we're like a sad song

I used to think I couldn’t feel any more pain than I already did these past years.

I never thought the ache would stop, but I didn’t think it’ll get to a point where it feels like its consuming me.

Its been days since I last saw him, days since I let myself leave our quarters,

The sinking feeling in my chest wouldn’t stop and I didn’t fight it.

I felt utterly and completely hopeless.

The way he had looked at me, the hurt and distance I saw there, everything about what happened between us made it feel like I couldn’t breathe.

I caused all this, I deserve it, but now I feel like I’ll never get to make it right, not when he hates me this much.

Azumi and tera were not in the quarters when I got back that night and I appreciated and needed the silence,

I cried and I didn’t think I could still cry that much after almost breaking down back in his quarters.

I had been in my room ever since,

Because I couldn’t find the will to do anything and not even azumis worried and anxious face motivated me to get it together.

Tera only watched me, eyes sad before dragging azumi out of the room.

But later that night she was back in my bed, hugging me to sleep, no questions asked and I was grateful for it.

She has been doing that for three days straight now and I had barely eating, barely talked, I just felt so….helpless.

Watching azumi worry about me and stopping himself from asking questions i knew he was trying hard not to ask did hurt me, but I couldn’t tell him before and I still cant now.

Tera figured it out on her own but hadn’t told him, I knew she wouldn’t, but it didn’t feel fair to leave him in the dark or to make her keep it from him, they tell each other everything.

Azumi is amazing, but he could be overprotective and rash.

I still didn’t know how he was going to feel about all this, knowing that I fell for the only ticket I had back home, and how that couldn’t have been easy for me.

I knew he would find a way to blame himself. He always did.

On one of the nights tera spent with me, I asked her why she wasn’t asking

“you’ll tell me when you’re ready”
was what she said and tears welled up in my eyes, The words tumbling from my mouth.

I told her everything, unable to control my tears and she just held me, listening quietly.

It was later after I had calmed down and felt like sleep would pull me under any minute that she spoke

“I think you should give him time Kiara, don’t force him to listen to what you have to say if he’s not ready too” she says softly, quietly and I breathe in

“ what if he’ll never be ready too” I say voicing out my fear,

His words from yesterday echoing in my mind, I shut my eyes tightly.

“What if he will” she replies and I sigh

“You didn’t see his eyes Tera, he hates me, I messed up so much”

Tera sighs and her tone though still soft, becomes a lot more hard.

“I need you to remember Kiara, that you suffered too. You’re hurt too, you need to heal too” she finishes softly and I don’t know what to say, but she isn't done.