A Dance Of Blades and Hearts

endless sky, oceans, fear

"are you scared? " azumi asks,   walking up to me on the deck.

we left zethna hours ago and I'd been on deck ever since, looking out at the never ending water, trying to gather my thoughts. 

My brother and Tera had been in their room for most of the journey, they decided to shift their wedding till  later in the year, after we get back Hopefully.

Absolutely terrified

"I'm not " I say holding my journal to my chest.

I don't know why I decided to bring that, I hadn't looked at it or even written in it in a year, it had helped me deal with the pain I couldn't get out at a point.

I know azumi doesn't believe me but he doesn't comment on it. 

"we could always go back " he offers and I know he means it,

He'll have this ship turned around, damning the consequences if I even show how terrified I am about being back in Peria,

I shake my head

All I could think about was the emperor, he's all I can think about lately, questions I've asked myself over the years magnifying in my brain till its too much to handle

Does he hate me?

Does he even still think about me?

Would he try to hurt me?

Do his eyes still shine brighter than the sun?

"your hands are shaking " azumi observes and I jerk, looking down at them, 

It happens alot when I'm stressed or scared, especially when I remember him and peria.

I breathe in through the ache in my chest and for a second I have half the mind to put on a fake smile for my brother, but he's just going to see right through it.

Azumi and tera don't know the real reason why I don't want to go back to Peria.

After that night 4 years ago when they staged an intervention, the topic was never brought up again cuz they knew I wasn't going to react well.

Talking about him never got easier, I never could.

They know I fell in love in peria,

What they don't know is who I fell in love with and the fact that I'm still very much in love with him,

Even after all this time, thinking about him still makes my heart ache with so much. 

Azumi thinks my devotion to the academy is the reason I never dated, and he never questioned it, partly cuz he takes the overprotective big brother role alittle too seriously.

It's been 4 years, do you really think he still cares about you? After what you did?

The thought settles in my head, my stomach clenches painfully, and my chest just aches so much,

I can't deny that a part of me wants to see him, see how he is, wants to know if he's happy, every part of me hopes he is. 

I'm suddenly pulled into a hug and I breathe out shakily, my body had started shaking and I didn't even know, azumi must have noticed.

"everything will be fine kia" he says placatingly

But really, it can't be. 

It's like I'm 18 again, on a ship to Peria, everything crashing down around me.

We spend two days on the ship,

Everyone slightly on edge for what's to come, I'm not just going to zethna, I'm going as an ambassador for my city, the masters did that to give me diplomatic immunity, but it means I have to attend the meetings and events for the bi annual summit along with other ambassadors from other cities,