Keeping It Up For The Cameras (James McVey/The Vamps)

Chapter 40

"Just tell me what happened," Zoe's voice rang through my apartment as I had her on skype. She was meant to be helping me pack for touring because I was pretty helpless sometimes when it came to fashion espcially if I wanted to mix it up slightly every night and not repeat full sets of outfits too much and that's what Zoe would be good at. Sadly she had other ideas of how the skype call would go. Since I returned back to my apartment all that I seemed to see was tweets asking what had happened, texts asking what had happened between me and James and if I was "okay" as well as any time I went out to get coffee or food there'd be a photo taken. My life had become gossip and I didn't even know how or why. I didn't think I was famous enough for articles to be written about me but clearly I was, clearly mine and James' break up was worth it.

"Look Zoe I don't really want to talk about it," I sighed taking a skirt out of my wardrobe. "Yes or no?" I asked holding the hanger up to the webcam.

"Ew no, never," she shook her head making me shrug and put it back away in my cupboard. "Holly seriously though you're not happy are you?" she asked and I let out a small sigh in response which was to be taken as of course not but I don't want to admit it. "So that's a no." I ignored her taking a few basic vest tops out of my draws and folding them neatly into a suitcase. "Why don't you call him?" she asked me.

"It didn't end well," I shrugged placing things away wanting to just say that I could hardly call him up and suddenly say hey remember a few days ago when I rejected you well I was wrong I think I'm in love with you. The thing was none of this was meant to be real it was just supposed to be a stupif easy publicity stunt to get some hype around The Vamps and expand my fan basis not me actually ending up liking him and it scared me that I did care for him so if pushing him away was my defense then that's what I'd do. I always defend myself because it's just some catious thing I have in my mind that makes me the way I am.

"What's that meant to mean?" Zoe frowned at me and something in my mind snapped slightly.

"I mean Zoe it didn't end well," I said harshly not wanting to explain. "He did nothing wrong but I did and now we broke up okay? I don't want to talk about it because..."

"Did you cheat him," she interupted me. "Did you cheat on James with him?" she emphased him so I knew she was talking about my ex-boyfriend.

"No," I shook my head slightly offended. "No one cheated on anyone but we broke up. Not everything ends in cheating but we broke up and I can't call him that's it." I threw a pair of ankle boots in my suitcase.

"Did he hurt you, you know emtionally?" she asked and I understood exactly what she meant. 

"I cried, a lot more then I'd like to admit," I sighed sitting on my bed to look at her.

"Oh Holly," she let out a sigh clearly feeling sorry for me. "Look whatever happened at least your going away." Zoe had the best intentions but she didn't know the whole story really so she couldn't help me completely. "We don't need to talk about it," she smiled slightly and I looked at my laptop to her. "Come on show me more clothes."

"Good," I felt slightly uplifted as I forced a smile going back to my wardrobe taking out the first dress I could find showing it to the camera. "This?"

I wish I could tell Zoe the truth, I really wish I could be raw and honest just so she'd understand what exactly was running through my mind and why this was so hard and complicated. To her I think it was pretty black and white but to me it was this complicated water colour meaning I couldn't do what I wanted to do. It's not even that I didn't have feelings for James, evidently they were pretty clear in my head right now and this bitter tase of regret seemed to be filling me but I still couldn't do anything. The simple fact he hated me now because I'd hurt him, I didn't mean to hurt him at all but I had. Also it wasn't really fare on him to say suddenly now I want to be with him because I wasn't sure and doing that would screw with his head and I never wanted to do that. The overthinking part of me talked myself in and out of calling him mostly out of calling him because I knew it wouldn't work, that could be the doubt in my head from my past or just me being realistic, I wasn't too sure. Actually I wasn't too sure of anything anymore if I was honest.

"Holly I'm going to miss you you know that," Zoe sighed as I folded my last dress delicatly to place in my case.

"I'm going to miss you too," I smiled slightly glancing back up to the camera to look at Zoe.

"Honestly though I think you'll need this time away," she explained making me give her a questioning look wanting more of an explination. "You know sometime to clear your mind of everything and going on the most exciting tour of your life will help you." she gave me a bright smile trying to hide exactly what she was so unsubtly talking about.

"I totally agree," I nodded. "Time away."

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A/N so I didn't update at like midnight feel special I feel like we migh have an double update this weekend