BJ Tharn [On-Going]

chapter 1

Chapter 1
A/N: This is a short story and I think 15 chapters would be okay. Warning: There will be triggering words since one of the characters is suffering from a mental illness. I do not aim to romanticize or anything, I just want to educate people (it will be explained in the later episodes). I urge everyone to be sensitive and understanding to the words we speak, since we never know what the other person might be going through. I hope that you like this chapter, let me know what you think at the comments and happy reading!

_________________
"Love
Waits for all of us
Quietly
In that place
Where no one
Is looking."

-Atticus
_________________

After meeting with Tay, Gulf entered his designated room silently. His mind wandered to the swim captain, and he felt bad since he felt like he was cheating from BJ Tharn.

Despite that, his nerves getting the best of him since he was too scared to initiate a conversation with his classmates. Most of the time, he was labeled at snob or rude, but in reality, he really was introverted and too shy to reply to conversations. But if you're friends, he could be loud as heck.

To add with that, he always has this default poker face or blank face, that always come out as rude to others. A lot of girls and few boys had confessed to him, but he only stared at them and walked away. Not because he had no manners, but because his heart was beating so fast and he doesn't know how to act in that situation. He was the epitome of virgin, never had a first kiss, no boyfriend or girlfriend since birth, and never had any experience doing the deed. Moreover, he was not interested unless it was BJ Tharn.

Deep inside, he wanted friends. He promised himself that in college, he would try to get out of his shell (and closet since he's bisexual) and socialize. There were only five people in the classroom, and he's the only guy.

He sat tensely at the far corner of the classroom, then took out his black A5 journal to scribble some ideas. Gulf liked to write poems and songs, but never really showed or told anyone, as he had no one to tell to. He had a sound cloud and YouTube account, where he posts his song covers and original songs, but he never disclosed his face.

Gulf's eyes found the window, and stared at the view outside. It was cliche, and he feels like a main character in a series, since his chair was overlooking the football field. Speaking of soccer, Gulf likes to play soccer but never really had the courage to join the soccer team in his high school. But this year, he planned to join, he just had to know where the try outs will be.

In a few minutes, people came pouring in the classroom and it is his cue to hide his journal. He felt out of place since his classmates looked like they already knew each other. Suddenly, a petite guy approached him.

"Hello, I'm Mild." The guy offered to shake hands and Gulf gladly took it. He thanked the gods above for making Mild talk to him first. To him, people who initiate the conversation is a blessing.

"My name's Gulf." After the casual conversation, Mild introduced Gulf to his friends, Bright, Win, Champ and Man. He also found out that Bright and Mild were trying out for the soccer team, which made it easier for him.

His first class was boring, and he never enjoyed every moment of it. It's not that Gulf does not like to study, he just doesn't like teachers who don't know how to teach. Besides, he never had a low score in his life and he was often labeled as the "stoic nerd" in his past school.

His mind wandered at BJ Tharn again, and he couldn't help himself but smile at the mere imagination. He took out his journal again and scribbled:

Just a single smile, I fell
One look and I can tell
You took my heart and I can't be mad,
For love makes us both happy and sad
And there is not a soul alive
Has been able to understand why.

BJ Tharn's masked face entered his consciousness, smiling at him and uttered "Hello Nong Gulf. Welcome to university."

Gulf almost choked at his saliva, did not quite understood why Mew's voice suddenly entered his mind, with BJ Tharn's face.

'This is bad. I'm cheating on BJ Tharn, but P'Mew is my type of guy though. He reminds me so much BJ Tharn, but it's impossible right?' Gulf thought and decided to just listen to the lecture, with the hopes on distracting his mind and making himself believe that he's going to potentially meeting his long time crush.

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Mew sat comfortably at his office, being a president of the student council has its perks, excluding the amount of paperworks that he needs to finish since the freshman week is coming up.

The only good thing that happened to him this day is when he met the freshman named Gulf. He felt attracted to the pretty guy, and he was exactly his type. Although it angered him since he can't make a move since he was supposed to be "straight." Plus, Gulf might be straight, and he'd rather be friends.

He can't help but smile thinking of Gulf's doe eyes and chestnut smile. It had been a while since he felt this kind of attraction, since most people attract him in a sexual way. But with Gulf, it feels different. He laughed at himself for thinking like a teenage girl experiencing her first love.

It was an unusual feeling, and Mew was loving it. Maybe it's because he just saw his ideal guy, and he wanted to know more about Gulf. Mew was confused with his feelings since his mind and heart are saying different things at once. The says to pursue Gulf and the other says no since it will destroy that perfect facade that he had been keeping for so long.

Sudden thoughts plagued his mind.

What if Gulf would be disgusted with him the same way his family does?
What if he's homophobic?
What if Gulf only wanted to be friends and nothing more?
Am I ready to come out of the closet even if there's no certainty that it is requited?
What if I trusted him and he tells everyone that I'm BJ Tharn?

"Geez, calm down Mew. It's only just a crush, don't get too worked up. Just give it a week or two and your attraction to him will cease to exist." He sighed and continued to do his paperworks, smile no longer evident in his lips.

An hour of work, he called for the student council officers for a meeting to finalize the preparations. Each council had a suggestion, ranging from booths for fund raising, fun activities for the freshmen and the most awaited pageant, a tradition in their university in which each college or course will choose two representatives. Those representatives will battle for the crown of Mr. and Mrs.

Saying it was a busy day would be an understatement since Mew was really beat from doing meetings, paperworks, attending classes, and he did a livestream last night. Not to mention, they will have a gig on Friday and still need to practice tomorrow.

It was already 5:30 PM, the sun almost setting, and he is walking on the path walk overlooking the soccer field. He decided to rest for a bit in the bleachers since his head was pounding really hard due to stress. Little did he know that he'll find his stress reliever playing there.

Mew saw a familiar figure, and he smiled at the sight of it. He doesn't really understand his emotions, but he decided to accept it for now. He looked at Gulf, his tan skin glistening underneath the setting sun, and he looks hot in addition with sweat that glistened in his body.

"Maybe in another life, you'll be mine. It seems that it's impossible in this life; only if the circumstances were different." He looked sadly at his crush, and suddenly, Gulf looked back at him and smiled.

Mew removed the thoughts of Gulf from his head. He cannot love someone, he is unable to love someone. He would only hurt them in the end since giving pain is the only thing he's good at. Today, his demons won again, and Mew stood and walked, not looking back at Gulf who was looking at him the whole time.

'Mew Suppasit does not like.
Mew Suppasit does not love.
Mew Suppasit is not worth loving.
Mew Suppasit deserves to be alone.
Mew Suppasit does not deserve his place here on Earth.'

His demons chanted in his brain, and without a doubt, he believed them. He put on his perfect guy mask again, and smiled, even though he's dying deep inside.