Avowal // pjm [COMPLETED]

Coming to Grips

Quae POV

I turn my head to see Jimin looking at me with those sad deep dark eyes and only now do I notice his hair is dark too. "You're not blonde anymore. When did you do that?"

"This is my actual hair color. I'm too old to keep coloring my hair especially when I didn't have anyone to help me the way you did. Why did you change the subject?"

"I just noticed your hair color is all." I raise my head still looking at him. His shoulders have broadened and his pecs and abs are more defined. Even resting, his six pack is obvious. "You've been working out.. a lot from the looks of it."

"Stress relief. The support group I was attending said to pick a healthy hobby and every hobby they suggested were things you and I did together. Working out was the only thing I could think of that had no memories of you attached. Until today, that is."

I didn't think my leaving would hurt him so deeply. "You went to a support group? How far did you fall, Ji?"

"It's a support group for, uhm," he clears his throat and places his hand on a sheet of paper lying on the table in front of him, "men who had partners that miscarried."

My breath catches and I hang my head attempting to hide the pain in my face. "You went to a support group for that? I didn't know that was a thing men did."

"I didn't either. Taehyung found it for me and it helped somewhat. It was good to know I wasn't the only man who felt helpless in a similar situation. Of course we had to talk about our losses and the mediator suggested I write a letter to my child telling her all the things I had nobody to say them to. When we lost her, I lost you, too." Ji taps the pen softly in front of him and clears his throat.

"Her? You gave it a gender?"

"When they called me to the hospital that day, the doctor assumed I was your husband. The minute she told me you were pregnant, my first thought was of a little girl with pigtails calling me daddy. My heart felt so full, but then she told me you were having a miscarriage and my dream shattered. That was seven years ago today."

I swallow thickly thinking of the date. He's right. I'd tried to push that part of my life as far back into my mind as I could and I guess I'd succeeded even though it doesn't feel like success.

"Do you ever think of her? What she would've been like? Or even if she would've been a girl or boy?" His voice is strangled and I see his eyes have become watery. He blinks quickly dissipating the tears.

"I made it a point not to. It hurt too much." I bend my legs to my chest and place my hands on my knees.

"Do you love her? Taryn, I mean."

"She's amazing and beautiful and she was there when I had nobody. I-"

"I have always been here for you. Always, Quae. Does she satisfy you?" Ji is breathing heavier and what should be an intimidating look into my eyes is strangely only relaxing me.

"The sex is great, if that's what you're asking."

"You know that's not what I mean. I asked you seven years ago if I satisfied you and you said yes. Does she do the same?" He leans his head to the side and slowly licks his bottom lip. His eyes still haven't left mine and I know he is looking for some type of mental second guess on my part.

"Please don't start this again, Ji. Can't we just start over and -"

In an instant, Ji has wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me over his lap straddling him. Our chests pressed together, he places his free hand on my thigh. I'm amazed at his strength but not panicked by the sudden reposition.

His face is only a few inches from mine when he speaks. "Do you feel this with her? Don't lie because I know you can feel it."

"Of course I can. I'm sitting on it." I joke.

"Not that you pervert. I mean the connection." He speaks gently as he brushes the tip of his nose against mine with his eyes closed. "Did you feel how the atmosphere changed the second we saw each other earlier? Or how every part of your body is pulling itself to be closer to me? Did you even notice that you gradually moved closer when we sat down? How do you think I barely had to move to pull you on top of me and why don't you struggle to move away?"

I have felt it. I felt it seven years ago and I feel it again right now, but I don't know what to do about it. I didn't notice how close I'd gotten to Ji though but he is much stronger than he used to be.

I'm physically and sexually attracted to women and have been since I can remember. There's never been a man I wanted to be close to in either aspect.. except Ji.

The softness of his skin under my palms causes emotions in me I don't know how to process. His lips are still full and beautiful as they've always been and as close contact as we're in I want to feel them on mine.

"I can feel the air changing around us, Quae. What is going on in your head?"

I close my eyes and feel what he's talking about. "I'm engaged to an amazing woman. She's smart and beautiful and funny. She's everything I could ever ask for in a wife.." I snake the fingers of my right hand into Ji's hair at the nape of his neck and let my left hand wander down to the clothed bulge separating his body from mine.

His deep moan vibrates through me when I caress him through his pants. "So why do I only feel fully satisfied when I'm with you?"