Avowal // pjm [COMPLETED]

Let Me Love You

Jimin POV

"You're scared to love me." I state plainly, standing in the bathroom doorway watching Quae dress after her shower.

Quae is silent for a minute before she replies. "I defined myself as a lesbian when I was sixteen. Do you know how scary that was to admit to myself? To my parents? And now here I am at thirty-two years old sleeping with a man. What does that make me now? A liar?"

"Why do you have to define it? Why not just love who you love without a gender?"

"I kissed Taehyung before I left that day seven years ago. He was excited about spending time with Hoseok and wanted my advice and he wasn't thinking when he pulled me close and kissed me. I kissed him back."

I try to hold my emotions together but I can feel the pain in my chest. I cross my arms and ask "Did you enjoy it?"

"I was weirded out and wanted him off of me." Quae's body tenses and she pauses briefly before tugging her shirt over her head. "I think I realized I felt more for you that day and it scared me. It wasn't about being with men, it was just being with you. I thought if I left you would find someone to be with to make you happy and I could get rid of these misguided feelings."

"That feeling is called love. Why would you love me and still leave? Baby, you could've just loved me back. Why wasn't that ever an option?"

She goes quiet again. "I was so scared, Ji. I still am."

"Why are you scared of loving me?"

"What if you find someone else? What if I give completely into you and someone better comes along? Someone who is exactly your type and will give you all the love and sex and children you want and you leave? Then what do I do?" Quae sniffs digging through her toiletry bag for her hairbrush.

I walk over beside her turning her so she faces me. I feel her petrified fear all through my veins as I kiss her softly. "You are exactly my type, Quae." I wipe her tears as I continue speaking.

"I want to marry you because I can't imagine kissing anyone else's lips every day for the rest of my life. I don't want a day to pass where I can't feel your skin against mine or have you call me on my bullshit. I love the way I feel when I'm with you. Only you."

"You should be with a woman that is ready to have children. I don't know how to be a mother. Mine wasn't so great." She murmurs. I pull her to me so I can fully wrap my arms around her. Quae buries her face in my neck as I stroke her back. "You deserve more than me."

"I don't know how to be a father but I'm willing to learn as long as I can have a child with you. If you're not ready, I'm fine with waiting. Don't ever think you aren't enough for me. You are my everything and I would do anything twice over to be able to spend forever with you. Please don't hold back any of these emotions from me. I am your best friend, your lover, and hopefully soon your husband. If you can't be open with me then who can you be open with?"

More silence. I close my eyes and feel for Quae against my skin. I feel her run one finger down my throat before she kisses it. "I enjoy sex with you."

Keeping my eyes closed I reply with a smirk, "I'm glad. I enjoy sex with you as well." I suddenly feel anxiety and love and a bit aroused. I frown at the mixture.

Quae raises her head to look at me. "I know you can feel me, Ji."

"Do you always feel like this around me? It's an odd combination. I don't know how I feel about it."

"I have felt your pure love and openness since the first time we were together. Now you know how I've felt.. how I still feel. You wanted open so here it is."

"Why do you have so much anxiety about being with me because I'm a man?" I thread my fingers into her hair at the back of her head and gently massage her scalp.

"I don't know how to wrap my head around how much I enjoy the feel of being with a woman.. and just you."

"Then make love to me with your soul, the same as I do with you. Feel me, with your heart, without a gender. Open up to me, Quae. Let me love you."

"It's.. not easy."

"Please marry me today. Right now. I meant what I said earlier. I want to be your husband before I fall asleep tonight, preferably with you in my arms. We can pickup the rest of your belongings from Taryn's tomorrow. If she gets rid of your things today, I'll buy you more. Just please marry me."

Quae's eyes meet mine and I see her answer. It's written all over her face and presented in the way she steps back from me. She frowns and looks to the floor chewing her bottom lip. "Maybe it isn't such a good idea."