Green with envy | Wicked | Book 1/3

Nessa

My tutor has just left, father is downstairs and Elphie is at school.
This happens everyday other than the weekends and it still doesn't get any less lonely.
I've been feeling really bad about arguing with Elphaba.
It happens quite often and I wish it didn't.
She's like my caretaker and I hate fighting with her.

I glance around my room and wheel myself over to my bed, there's nothing to do up here alone.
I miss Elphie.
I hate being alone on the second floor, it's just so quiet.
Our house has three floors, and mine and Elphabas bedroom is on the second, father wanted to put me on the first floor, but then decided that if i was on the second one then Elphaba could stay in the room with me.

I push myself over to the balcony and go out onto it, there's some munchkin kids playing football on the grass.
I wish I could join in.
One of them suddenly trips over and lays on the floor for a moment, then stands back up and continues running.
I wish I could run.
I can't help but hate everyone.
I'm such a angry person.
And Elphaba always seems to be at the cutting end of my temper.
She always gets in trouble.
Once I bumped into a table and a vase fell off and it smashed.
Father didn't believe I had done it, even though I'd tried to tell him.
He just scolded Elphie for making me take the blame.
Though In a way I'm glad that father never gets angry at me.
Because he's one of the few people that really truly love me.
And that's all I want.
Someone to love me.

Hours pass of me just doing nothing.
There's only so many things I can do on my own.
If I'm hungry I can't even go and get myself some food.
There's a bell that hangs beside my bed, it's used to call the staff incase I need something.
Though I rarely ever use it, because I'm scared I'll become addicted to their help and i don't want that
I want to be independent,
I have to be independent.

I look at Elphies bed, it's so bare compared to mine.
I have around five hundred pillows On mine because my dad is extremely protective.
I can hear him downstairs, he's shouting at someone.
I hate it when he shouts.
I want Elphie to come home, I miss her so much.
I hope she comes back soon I want to talk to her.

I've been sat here for ages just thinking about my sister.
I was so stupid earlier, why do I get so upset about things?
She's right, she probably does have it worse than me, people call her names and she's constantly bullied.
I know that.
But I'm just so incapable of everything.
She's not being held back the same way I am.
She's free to do what she pleases.
I can't even leave the house without someone carrying me downstairs.
I hate being carried.

I look back over at Elphabas bed, she has a few pictures on her wall, I wheel myself over and look at them.
There's a picture of me sat on fathers lap with Elphie standing next to us.
One of my father just standing there, one of Elphie as a toddler standing with a heavily pregnant woman.
Mother.
I hate looking at picture of my mother.
I'm told I look so much like her and yet I never got to meet her.
Elphie must hate me because I'm the one who killed her.
She died giving birth to me.
That thought has plagued me for my whole life.

I stare a the pictures for a while, there's one of me, it's fairly recent, possibly taken last year.
I'm in my chair all made up.
From the light coming from the balcony I can see that there's words written on the back.
I pull it from the wall and turn it over.

My dear sister.
Nessa I'm sorry, I love you so much but I can't help loathing you at times.
I'm your caretaker your best friend and your sister all at the same time and it's really hard for me.
But I will do my absolute best to insure that your having the best life possible.
From Elphaba.

I feel like crying, I understand why she would hate me, I make her life so much harder than it should be.
But I can't help it, I didn't choose to be like this, the same way Elphie didn't choose to be green.

I push myself over to my doll shelf and pick out my favourite doll.
She was a gift from Elphaba for my birthday, so looks just like me.
She's wonderful, I push myself out of the room and into the hallway.
I wave the doll in front of me, pretending that she's dancing.
I make sure to be very gentle with her since she's my favourite.
I make her do all the stuff I wish I could.
She plays imaginary football and struts about showing off her outfit.
She's perfect.
Sometimes when I'm alone I grab all the other dolls and make them go to school together with 'tiny Nessa'
I get to live my life the way I want with her.
That's why she's the very best gift I've ever received.

I move further down the hallway as my doll runs around an imaginary track similar to one at my old school.
Just as 'tiny Nessa' is about to cross the finish line I drop her.
It's only onto the first step so it shouldn't be a problem.
I try to lean down and pick her up, but I'm too far away.
I push myself closer to the edge of the stairs and lean towards the doll.
I feel myself loose grip on my chair handles.
Suddenly I'm falling down.
I can hear my chair falling behind me.
I hit the floor with a loud crash.
Suddenly there's darkness.