Green with envy | Wicked | Book 1/3

Nessa

Everyone has left me.
I'm all alone, my greatest fear.
My poor sweet Boc, it's my fault that Elphie disfigured him and now he's gone.
Gone forever.
I'll never see my sister again, I need her here with me, I can't do this alone.
The one time in my life where I'm truly capable and I feel more helpless than ever.
It's never going to go back to they way it was, Elphaba has always been so grown up and I had to grow up so fast.

I can walk, do everything for myself and I'm still pitiful.
I want Boc back, I just want the feeling of someone being there for me, I don't know why, it's not like he ever truly loved me.
Father did, I didn't want to believe what Elphie said about him but perhaps it was his fault that I was the way I was.
It doesn't matter anymore, he's gone and I can walk.
My life long dream came true but I don't want it, I just want to be cared for again.
I just want to feel loved.
I want Elphaba, I want to be held.
I was never grateful enough for all she did for me, she sacrificed her entire childhood for me and she never received the right amount of gratitude.
No one loves me anymore, I understand why, I'm not worth being loved.
I just seem to drive people away.
The wicked witch of the east.

I pace around the room, I can't even feel happy that I can walk because it's not a joyous moment, I've ruined everything, I've hurt Boc in a way I cannot even imagine.
He may have lied to me but that night at the OzDust ballroom was the most magical night of my life and now it's nothing more than a distant memory.
Suddenly there's a loud crash, the balcony doors in my bedroom have flown open by a sudden gust of wind, I rush in and bolt them shut.
I haven't been in here since Boc left.
I look around the room, at Elphies cold empty bed.
No one has touched it since we left for shiz.
I couldn't sleep once Boc had fled, it's just too lonely, I slept at fathers desk, I just couldn't face being in here alone.
It gave me horrible cramp in my back and legs, but I didn't care.
The fact that I can feel anything at all is incredible.
I haven't taken my shoes off either, I'm too scared that Elphie enchanted my shoes and not my legs and I'll just crumple to the floor.
Oh Elphie, I never gave her the thanks she deserved.
Even when she was sick she still helped me, I remember when we were little and Elphie had the flu.
She still woke up early to put me in my chair, she stayed in bed all day after that but she read me stories from within her blankets.
She was so good to me.
I can't imagine having to live your life having to help someone as pathetic and self loathing as me.
It must have been awful.
I'm awful.

I'm doing it now, pitying myself when I don't deserve it, I should just stop everything.
I have to be a leader, that's the only thing I was raised to do,
Govern munchkin land and I'm not even doing that properly.
I walk over to Elphies bed and stroke her pillow.
I drop to my knees and sob loudly.
"Oh Elphaba, please forgive me, please come back"
I just want to hear her comforting voice behind me telling me that she would never have left me.
I should have told her that I didn't want her to see the wizard.
This is all my fault.
I use Elphies bed to stand myself up and go over to the wall beside it, there's barley any pictures left up there.
Instead there's just bright shapes where they used to be, showing how the wall paper has faded around them.
There's a couple left on the wall.
One of them is Elphaba and father and the other two are of me.
In one of them father is holding me and in the other one Elphie and I where playing with dolls when I was a lot younger, I can still hear the giggles that Elphie used to cause me to erupt into.
I miss being back then everything was simpler, now I have a responsibility that I'm failing at.
Father would be so disappointed in me.
I wonder what mother would think, it's times like this when I wish I could have met her.
I wish I could have had any memories with her at all and if what Elphaba said was true then it's fathers fault that I never met her.
But there's no point having hatred towards a dead man.

I'm thinking about what Boc said, that no one is free to leave, I know what it feels like to be trapped and as a good leader I shouldn't have put my people through that.
I know why I did it, I was just so sick of everyone leaving me that I ruined their chance at the best part of life; freedom.
I should let them know that they are free to leave.
Yes, I'll let all the Munchkins know that they can leave if they want, I can apologise to everyone.
Maybe I can make my Sorry life worth something.
They don't have to forgive me, but at least I will have tried to make amends with my people.
My people that I treated so poorly.

I jump down my stairs and rush outside to the courtyard.
I wave my arms around and beckon any nearby Munchkins to gather around.
Soon there's a small group around me.
They all look fearful and they are all whispering.
I feel stupid but I have to do this, for them.
The wind blows violently, my skirt flys around wildly.
I'm nearly knocked off of my feet but I remain upright.
"Citizens of Munchkin land, I have heard many complaints about the way I have governed" I begin, some of the Munchkins hold each other in fear.
I feel awful.
"I've decided to enforce a regime change, hence forth all citizens of Munchkin land are..."
Somone screams, people being to run around frantically and point up up the sky.
I look up and see what appears to be a large dark cloud.
"Please remain calm" I say frantically.
No one seems to listen, there's more pointing and shouting, many run and take cover inside there houses.
I question doing the same, as the wind seems to be getting stronger, almost as if is forcing us down onto the ground.
I look up again.
No, it's not a cloud.
It seems to be a house,
A house?
I realise this to quickly, it seems to be falling down towards me.
I scream loudly.
As the house becomes to close to run away.
I can hear my own scream rattling around In my head.
There's a sharp pain,
And then silence.