Sweet Caroline

#16 Just a fling

The minute I get home, I just know that he has to come over at some point tonight. Surely he is just as freaked out by this as I am. Maybe even more, judging by how totally obvious he was being at the school. At least I saved our asses by acting like he hasn't been inside of me more times than I can count. Well... I can count, since I have a box of condoms underneath my bed that can tell me exactly how many times, but... that really isn't important right now.

I still can't believe the mess I'm in. Tiffany warned me about this. The school does not want teachers and parents fraternizing and I've been doing exactly that. And more. So much more. I am still on my first contract, only two months into the job. If anyone finds out, I won't get my contract renewed for next year and that would suck ass. I love it here. So much. I love my colleagues, my apartment, the kids... How the hell is this gonna look on my resume? When my next employer calls the headmaster for a reference, he'll surely tell him about me hooking up with the father of one of my kids – one who is seventeen years older than I am, no less. Crap, crap, crap. I am screwed.

Don't freak out, I tell myself sternly. No one knows. No one has to know. Maybe no one will ever find out and I can just stay where I am. I didn't tell anyone. Nathan didn't tell anyone, I think. No one knows.

I'm worried about my job more than anything, but a part of me is already freaking out about having to break things off with Nathan. I don't want to, I really don't, but I can't afford lose my job. And now that I know who his daughter is, now that I've met his ex-wife... Yeah, things just got personal. Either we go for it for real or we never see each other again, except for parent-teacher conferences. We can't go on fucking, pretending like sex doesn't affect other aspects of our lives. As of now, it does.

I'm not even sure what I want to do. I never truly thought that dating Nathan for real was an option, since he made it perfectly clear that I was just a distraction and that he's not looking for a stepmother for Rose. I feel in no way ready to be a parental figure. Begin a teacher is quite different from being a parent and it's only my third year after I got my teaching degree. Hell, the third year barely even started. I'm perfectly happy teaching Rose, but being anything else to her scares the shit out of me. Then again... it's not like I have to marry Nathan tomorrow. We can take things slow and if things don't work out, we can break up before I ever get close to being anything else than a teacher to Rose.

It is a classic struggle. What do you listen to? Brain or heart? Or vagina? My vagina knows what she wants: Nathan, all day, every day. My brain decided earlier tonight to cut things off with him and focus on my job. So that meant my heart is the tiebreaker. Too bad my heart is a fickle thing that doesn't know what the hell it wants. I like Nathan and if I'm completely honest, I like him a lot more than I should, but am I ready to put my brand-new life on the line for him?

After an hour of pacing through my apartment, I suddenly realize that he might not come over. Maybe he already decided that this whole thing is doomed, and he isn't even going to talk to me about it face-to-face. I grunt and take out my phone. No messages.

I call him, but he doesn't pick up, so I send him a quick message: When are you getting here?

I can see he's online, but he's not replying. Crap. I know I should play it cool, but nothing about me has ever been even remotely cool. Why start now?

Come over, I tell him, trying to ignore my heartbeat speeding up.

His response is short: Are you sure?

Yes, I shoot back. Yes, yes, yes.

Okay, one yes would have done the trick as well, but like I said, I am not cool. I want him in my apartment right now so we can figure out this whole mess. I need to know where he stands in order to figure out what I want.