Sweet Caroline

#20 Let me give you what you want

The weekend takes a turn for the better and it's all because of Dshawn. He lets me talk him through the past two months and he's actually a really good listener. I can't remember talking to him like this ever before. I let it all out while he just nods and rubs my back until I'm done. When he finally speaks, it's not to judge me or tell me I just need to move on.

"It sounds to me like you didn't quite get the fresh start you wanted," Dshawn muses. "You're obviously finally over Danny and you're kicking ass at your job, but you fell back into an old pattern with this Nathan guy."

"Old pattern?" I repeat, not sure what he means. "I can assure you I've never dated a 41-year-old single dad before."

He shakes his head. "You never do things in halves, Car, and you're honest. Painfully so, but only to others. You have a habit of lying to yourself. You don't do casual sex. You don't do one-night stands. Or at least you never used to. And from what you've just told me, you always end up hurt, alone, angry or all of the above when you do. I mean, why did you pick me of all people to call over for a booty call? I live hours away. I'm your ex. I'm sort of friends with Danny. Our last hook-up ended with you storming out. What's the reasoning behind messaging me?"

That was a good question. "I just... I know you."

"Exactly." He gave me a pointed look. "You know me. That may seem like casual to you, but it's not. Sleeping with a friend is not casual, Car. You need someone you trust, someone who knows you, even when all you're looking for is a hook-up. And honestly, I think that you're not even truly looking for sex. You just want someone to see you."

Jesus fucking Christ. When did Dshawn turn into Freud?

"That's why you're still hooked on this Nathan guy," he goes on, sounding like he's thinking out loud. "From what you told me, he may be totally inappropriate and wrong for you, but he did see you. You trust him. You feel like he knows you."

"Maybe," I say, unwilling to fully agree with him. I don't want to give Nathan that kind of power over me.

"I think that you should just be grateful that Nathan helped you figure out what you truly desire in the bedroom and move on. Not to someone else, just move on, on your own." He smiles at me and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. "The right guy will come along one day."

I sigh. It's so annoying that he's right. "It's just unfair. After being sexually frustrated for years, I finally know what I want and I can't do anything to enjoy it." Dshawn is right that casual sex in not the answer for me. I don't trust guys easily, and people like Darius are exactly why. Even with Dshawn, I didn't trust him last time we hooked up. And part of why I let him cuff me to the bed this time was just that I was desperate for some relief of my inner turmoil.

I trust Dshawn now. I do.

He laughs softly and squeezes my arm. "Look, if you get over Nathan and decide you need a hot guy in your bed again, you can always call me. We may not be end-game, but I'll never turn you down, Car."

"Good to know."

We sit in the couch for a while, smiling at each other. It's nice of him to be there for me like this. I never expected Dshawn of all people to be the one to pull me out of my funk.

"What's so great about this Nathan guy anyway?" he asks, truly curious. "I mean, it can't all be sex, right? What makes you feel like you can trust him, like he sees you, knows you?"

That's a good question. I do feel all of those things, but why? Why am I this messed up over someone I barely know?

"He..." I pause to think. "He seemed to just get me, you know? I just trusted him completely and instantly, without there being an obvious reason to do so. He made me feel safe and wanted. Like a woman, not a girl. I could just tell he was a truly good guy. He made me feel... normal and special at the same time."