Sweet Caroline

#64 Nightmares

Before he can respond, I storm out of the room, slamming the door behind me. All my rage leaves my body the moment I'm all alone in the hallway, tears streaming down my face. I get that this is hard for him, but why doesn't he see that it's hard for me too? I'm supportive even though I don't agree with him, but he can't even hear me out and help me figure out how to handle all of this.

I make my way upstairs, tired to my core. My phone buzzes and I smile when I see it's a picture of Shaughna and Dshawn, sticking out their tongues at me as they toast with shots in the club. Life was so much easier when I was still living that life instead of teaching second grade and dating a 41-year-old asshole. If I had fallen in love with Dshawn instead of Nathan, that would be me there tonight. I would be getting drunk and having sex until I passed out instead of fighting and crying.

"I'm sorry."

I turn around, just about to enter the bedroom. Nathan is standing behind me, at the top of the stairs. His eyes seem greener than they normally do and he's smiling wryly.

"Can we just..." Nathan sighs and throws up his hands, unsure how to go on.

"No, we can't," I reply, wiping away my tears. "I need to know if this is how it'll be from now on, Nate. Are you always going to tell me that I don't have a say because she's your kid? Because I get it, I do, but I'm a part of your life now too and even if you don't tell her this week, I will one day be a part of her life too. And yes, you and Elise are her parents and you get the final say, but I hope and pray that if I ever have a thought about what might be good for Rose... that you will listen to me, at least. Just listen to me. And this decision is about me as much as it is about her. I think that I should be heard, even if I don't get a say."

"Of course you've got a say," he assures me, no longer angry. "You're right, Caroline. I just... I feel like I'm failing as a dad, as a boyfriend, as... well, as a person." Tears glisten in his eyes. "At Trevor's trial... if no one had stopped me, if it had just been me and him... I would have beaten him to a pulp. I wouldn't have stopped until he was no longer breathing." He's so upset with himself that his breaths come faster and faster. He sounds like he's on the verge of a panic attack. "I would have tried to kill him like I did when Jennifer... And then I would..." He grabs the wall for support. "And I would be in a cell..."

I rush to him, throwing my arms around him and holding him close as he sobs. Finally, he's letting me see what is really bothering him. This isn't about me or Rose, this is about him. About who he is. About the demons of his past.

"You saw Elise," I whisper, stroking his back. "She was willing to kill him just as much as you were. Do you think that makes her a horrible person?"

"No, of course not," he whimpers into my hair. "She feels guilty and she shouldn't. She's a good mother, even though she picked the wrong guy to date. She couldn't have known-"

"And you're a good father," I interrupt him. "An amazing father. Rose adores you, Nathan, and for good reason. You're not a bad boyfriend either. You just need to learn to let me in."

"Nightmares," he says through his tears. "Since the trial, so many nightmares. I'm back in my cell and I..." He gasps for air. "I can't go back there."

"And you won't," I promise him solemnly. "Nate, why didn't you tell me?" I knew he hasn't been sleeping well, but this... this is so much worse than I expected.

He pulls back a little, his breathing slowly returning to normal. "I love you," he says like that explains everything.

I breathe a laugh and kiss the corner of his mouth. "I love you too."

We spend the rest of the night in bed, talking about all the things that he's struggling with. I don't get the full story of his time in prison, but he's trying, I can tell that he's telling me all he can give me right now. He seems scared that I won't want to be with him anymore when I find out about his dark days, but the opposite is true for me. I love him even more knowing what he's gone through. I feel like I know him better now than I did before.

"Five months," he tells me, shaking his head. "We've known each other five months."

I laugh and let myself fall back on the bed, stretching out. "Yeah, crazy, right? It's not long at all, yet it feels like a lifetime. And we've technically only been together for real for two months."

"Two months..." He rolls onto his side and presses a kiss to my temple. "I love you too much for it only to have been two months. That's insane. That can't be right."

"Okay, a few days more than two months," I agree with a smile. "Not much, though."

"It's enough," he says, sounding serious all of a sudden. "Enough to know that I want you in my life. Let's tell her. Let's tell Rose. Tomorrow."

"Really?" I sit up, suddenly serious. "Wow. Okay. Are you sure that you-"

He kisses me in the middle of my question, his tongue exploring my mouth like it's the first time. I grab his shirt and moan into him, all the stress of the past weeks finally leaving my body. We haven't had sex in a week, I realize. That's long for us, especially when we have been sleeping in the same bed the past few days. There's just been too much tension between us to feel comfortable enough to expose ourselves like that.

No such trouble now. Clothes come off in a matter of seconds and he rolls on top of me, pushing into me without any foreplay. I moan out in pleasure and pain alike, since I'm not wet enough for him to slide in smoothly. He pauses, holding me to him for a little while, allowing my body to adjust. We kiss softly, both needing this more than anything. We just need to know that we're still the same Caroline and Nathan that met that first night, eager to get each other naked without even knowing each other's last names. The attraction we felt that night five months ago is still there, strengthened by love.

"Ah fuck," he breathes when he feels me grow wet around him, my hips pushing up against him of their own accord. "I've missed you."

I laugh, the sound rumbling through both of us. "I've been with you in this house for two days straight, Nate."

"You were angry," he whispers against my lips. "And for good reason. I missed this. You. Me. No tension."

"No tension?" I tease, trusting up again. "I'd say there's a fair amount of sexual tension between us right now."

"Stop talking," he orders, picking up the pace with a grunt. "Only moaning allowed."

We both laugh at his comment, but the laughter soon turns into moaning like he wanted. Even though I can tell he wants to go faster and harder, he takes his time so he can take care of me before coming inside of me. He shifts me into a different position at least six times before finally slamming into me from behind as I sit on my knees, screaming his name into the pillows. He makes sure that we come together, finally on the same page again.

Normally, we'd go for a second round, but we are both spent from all the talking, crying and fucking. We fall asleep in each other's arms, naked and completely comfortable.

I could get used to this, to being in this house, sleeping in his bed. Even the fighting. Because if there's anything I've learned from previous relationship it's that all couples fight. If this is how Nathan and I make up... yeah, fighting doesn't sound so bad.