Item Description: A letter opener resembling a fifteen (15) cm long miniature claymore. Material is common low-grade stainless steel, the handle is lacquered oak. Material samples taken exhibit no unusual properties. The content of any envelope opened with it is transformed into a poem of appropriate content. Mission reports have been transformed into anything ranging in style from viking sagas to material akin to poems by the War Poets of World War 1, while clerical content usually turns into dadaist or absurdist poetry (especially anything produced by the accounting department of ██████)
Date of Recovery: ██-██-20██
Location of Recovery: ████████, ████
Current Status: Kept in storage at site ████. Access is usually granted upon written request to Dr. ████████ and for Class A-C personnel.
Item Description: A twin size mattress. Subjects who fall asleep on the mattress will invariably have a dream in which they are forced to consume a live walrus using only a fork and kitchen knife. Whether or not the subject succeeds in the dream appears to be inconsequential.
Date of Recovery: 14-06-1983
Location of Recovery: A furniture store in ███████, England
Current Status: In storage.
Item Description: A box of 24 Crayola-brand pencils featuring 3 pencils in colours that don't exist in nature. Listed on the box and on each respective pencil as "moiter," "emilet" and "cankri." These pencils work as expected.
Date of Recovery: ██-██-████
Location of Recovery: Recovered from a Manna Charitable Foundation establishment located in ███████, Canada.
Current Status: In storage.
Notes: Probably memetic or something. Gives me a migraine to look at them. Pretty though. - Researcher ████████
Item Description: A 1:1 replica of a .338 caliber Accuracy International AWM sniper rifle, complete with bipod, telescopic sight, magazine, and internal mechanisms, constructed out of various unusually durable edible substances (a significant portion of which is chocolate cake). Despite its composition, item is fully functional as a firearm, capable of chambering and firing .338 Lapua Magnum cartridges.
Date of Recovery: 07-16-2000
Location of Recovery: Sandford, Somerset, England
Current Status: In storage.
Item Description: A running car made entirely out of paper scraps. No motor has been found.
Date of Recovery: ██-██-████
Location of Recovery: ████████, Texas
Current Status: Kept in a garage with various other non-dangerous cars and such in Site-██.
Item Description: The exact phrase "█████████████", when used as a username on any website. Accounts by this name cannot be banned or deleted, and content uploaded or posted by them cannot be removed, due to computer errors that spontaneously occur during attempts.
Date of Recovery: ██-██-2007
Location of Recovery: N/A. First instance identified on social media website Reddit.
Current Status: The operators of the ██ known accounts by this username have been located and amnesticized to prevent usage of these accounts. The username has been registered by the Foundation on as many other sites as possible.
Item Description: A standard coin counting jar with no identifiers of its manufacturers. The jar runs on one (1) triple-A battery, and works as expected, correctly counting the amount of coins placed within. However, all coins placed inside will become pennies of equal amount (e.g., a dime placed inside will become 10 pennies). Outwardly the jar appears full of pennies. If the lid is removed, the coins can be removed as normal, though they still appear as pennies within the jar.
Date of Recovery: 11-11-2011
Location of Recovery: A Walgreen's store at ███ █████, Florida.
Current Status: On the desk of Dr. █████.
Item Description: A stack of three-hundred and sixty-four (364) pieces of personalized stationery. "Messages for Bertrand Bartleby" is inscribed at the top of each. When folded in half, stationery will inscribe itself with the name, physical description, and a chronological record of actions taken by anyone in proximity to the folded paper, using terminology and slang common to turn-of-the-century London.
Date of Recovery: 02-15-2015
Location of Recovery: 412 Missionary Street, London, England.
Current Status: Missing.
Notes: On 06-20-2015, all but one (1) piece of the acquired stationery were reported missing from storage. The remaining piece had been folded in half and left in the empty locker.
Item Description: A ██████████ brand mountain bike that, while mounted, experiences a headwind of random speeds from █ m/s to ███ m/s, even in enclosed buildings.
Date of Recovery: ██-██-2014
Location of Recovery: ███████, Denmark
Current Status: Research ongoing for possible wind power generation.
Item Description: A █████ brand digital camera. When a photograph is taken, resulting photograph reveals scene of photo approximately 4.5 seconds before the exposure took place. Videos taken that are under 4.5 seconds in length are also affected.
Date of Recovery: 04-10-20██
Location of Recovery: Die ██████ Fotografie at ██████████, Germany
Current Status: In Dr. B█████'s office.
Item Description: A controller for the █████ console that causes anyone holding it to write/type in '1337', a 'language' that replaces most alphabet letters with alternative ASCII numbers and symbols.
Date of Recovery: 04-15-20██
Location of Recovery: █████████████, Illinois, USA
Current Status: In Dr. Albae's Personal Locker.
Item Description: A scorpion that imitates various human mannerisms and speaks fluent English in a British accent.
Date of Recovery: 01-28-2010
Location of Recovery: ██████, Texas, USA
Current Status: Contained in standard terrarium, heat lamp included, at Site ██
Notes: He appears to like tea, despite normal scorpions being strictly carnivorous. - Dr. Henry
Item Description: A pennaceous feather resembling a tail feather from an unknown species of family Accipitridae (hawks, eagles, and vultures). It is brown with white banding, appears to have naturally fallen from its host, and measures 4m long by 1m wide.
Date of Recovery: 09-14-2011
Location of Recovery: Steppe land approximately 500 km west of Astana, Kazakhstan.
Current Status: In storage.
Notes: So we have a giant egg and a giant feather in storage. Where's the giant bird? And why doesn't anybody know about it? - Dr. Argent
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Log Of Anomalous Items
Non-FictionThe SCP Foundation has discovered a substantial number of items which are simply too useless to merit further attention. This document lists those items which have prompted some curiosity. It may be used as a resource should knowledge of these items...
