𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐂𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐑 || rini au

18. thinking out loud

'𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘭 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘨𝘳𝘰𝘸 𝘰𝘭𝘥, 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘯

𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘺, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘦'𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘺

𝘪'𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘪𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴

𝘮𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘢 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘯

== n i n i 's p o v ==

"what do you mean?" ricky asks me, still not sure what i'm implying.

"i mean..i have a lot of other memories, too. i fell in love with you--or i thought i was in love with you. i don't know. it just depends on how i look at it; and there are so many ways i can look at it. that's what i've been trying to do. but i think..i think i'm going to choose to look it this way. the good way. and remember it like this."

"yeah?!" his mouth turns up in a bright smile.

"yeah," i say, grinning back at those beautiful brown eyes, "but we go slow. okay?"

and by slow, i mean really slow. if he's in this, then he's in this for the long haul. and if he isn't, then that just shows how committed he really is. but i don't think going slow will be a problem, i mean, it's already taken this long to get here. i know, i said if he showed one red flag i'd call it. but i wouldn't call the gina situation a red flag, more of just a simple misunderstanding.

"okay! that's fine! it's all fine, nini," he nods eagerly, which makes me stifle another giggle. i notice all of the other lanterns already up in the air, pointing behind ricky so he can turn back to grab ours. i hand him the lighter from my side of the boat, holding the lantern up so he can light it. i smile at his concentrated face, trying to direct the small flame onto the bottom portion between my hands. he catches me staring at him when it's lit, simply just smiling back at me which makes my heart drop into my stomach (something i haven't felt in forever). actual butterflies. so i guess my memories weren't overdramatic, it actually feels like my heart's going a million miles per minute. he brings his hands up to mine on the bottom of the floating light, the two of us gently pushing it off into the air. at this point the sky is filled with the bright yellow lanterns, the reflection of which in the dark water making it look like it was just the two of us in the boat somewhere in space surrounded by lights. that's what it always feels like when i'm with ricky--which i know sounds cheesy and sappy and disgusting, but it's true. i know, i've given in to crush culture.

but i'm way too lost in whatever this is to care.

it's obvious that ricky feels the same just by looking at him, because he's staring into my eyes completely dazed. he brings his hand up to my face, tucking a piece of hair on the side the flower is behind my ear. ricky leaves his hand there for a moment, contemplating his next move. his hand migrates to my chin to tilt my face up, gently running his thumb repeatedly across my cheek. my eyes flutter shut at the contact, the two of us absentmindedly inching closer together with our faces now inches apart. i don't even realize that i'm doing it; it's like there's this magnetic force pulling us together. when i open my eyes i see ricky slowly moving his mouth toward mine, but i teasingly pull back just a little with a small smile on my lips.

"slow," i remind him. our faces are still close though, and i can feel his warm breath against my face contrasting the chilly night air.

"right, slow, sorry," he says. i wasn't expecting him to understand, but he surprisingly does. i guess i should know by now to change my expectations though, since he's clearly not the same ricky i knew. his lips turn up when he sees mine, matching my facial expression. it's weird, it feels like i'm meant to be here. i haven't felt like that in..well, eight years. i missed that--the feeling like i belong. or, like, the feeling that i'm doing something right. i don't know, it sounds stupid.