Who I Really Am (A Remus Lupin Love Story)

Chapter Fourtyone

        The last day of term is here in a flash. Remus walks me down to the Great Hall alone, for once. James and Lily are leaving later, and Sirius and Peter have already arrived.
As we walk down the stairs, Remus whispers in my ear. "I have something I want to tell you. It can wait until after dinner, though. Actually, it's better that we wait until after dinner."
"Okay." I agree, wondering what it is. A hundred horrible different scenarios flash through my mind. I hope it's not any of them, as we've had enough trouble for a lifetime. At least I have.
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Are you ready?" Remus asks me after I finished my last bite of pudding.
"Sure." I say casually, pushing away my plate and standing up.
        I try to act casual, but I'm really nervous. What is it that Remus wants to tell me?
        He leads me to the Whomping Willow, which is no surprise. It is our spot, after all.
"Bria, there's something I should've told you a long time ago." I can't see much of his face in the moonlight, but from what little of it I can see, his expression is serious. "But I couldn't. I tried so many times, but I was too much of a coward to."
I frown. "You're not a coward. No matter what it is you meant to tell me. If you were a coward, you wouldn't be in Gryffindor, right?"
"I guess." He says, nervously running his hand through his hair. "But anyway, I just couldn't find the courage to. I'm too ashamed of it. Of myself."
"What is it?" I press.
"I honestly thought you'd figure it out, anyway. I thought you would know by now."
"Figure what out, Remus?" I ask impatiently. 
"I-I'm..." He starts to say. But then he turns away, in the direction of the Whomping Willow. "I don't want to say it. Maybe..."
        He's being so confusing.
"I have an idea. Follow me." He says, taking my hand and dragging me dangerously close to the Willow.
"Remus, be careful!" I warn.
"I know what I'm doing." He replies, pulling his wand out of his robe pocket. He levitates a stick near the Willow so that it touches a knot in the trunk. The Willow instantly freezes. "There." He he says, dragging me closer as I stand there open-mouthed.
"What? How-" I start to ask, but I let it go.
        Remus drags me to a tunnel at the base of the trunk, pulling me inside. We have to crouch down to fit. Remus lights his wand, and I do the same. 
        We wind through the tunnel for ages, and my back is starting to hurt. Just when I'm about to ask him how much longer we have to go on, I see the end.
        At the end of the tunnel is a room. It's shabby and old, the furniture torn and the wooden floorboards scraped by what looks like claws. I walk over to the window, pulling aside a ripped curtain to see a view of Hogsmeade.
"The Shrieking Shack." I realize.
Remus nods. 
        He wants me to figure this out for myself, so I start piecing the puzzle together. Remus brought me to the Shrieking Shack, and he's obviously been here before. The Shrieking Shack is known for being extremely haunted by rowdy ghosts who like to make all sorts of terrible noises. That's why it's called the Shrieking Shack.
        But why would Remus know this place? I have to think harder. I pace the floor as I hunt for an answer. Hogsmeade residents think the ghosts who live here are extremely picky about what days they shriek on. Some say it's out of complete randomness, but others (Ravenclaws) disagree. They say it's always on the full moon.
        "I thought you would know by now." Know what? And how would I know? The only thing sketchy about Remus is that he misses school for a day every once and a while.
        Wait. Remus misses school every once and a while. The ghosts of the Shrieking Shack only shriek every once and a while. On the full moon.
        Remus. Full moon. Shrieking Shack. Werewolf.
        How did I not see it before? How did I not piece it together?
        Remus watches me warily from across the room. All of it makes sense now. Why he misses school, the scars, the bracelet, everything. Werewolf.
"Judging by your expression, I think you figured it out. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Bria. I was ashamed. I am ashamed." He whispers, reaching toward me. "Please, forgive me."
I stare at his outstretched hand, biting my lip. Werewolf. "I-I-" I stutter, trying to think of what to say.
"I get it if you need some time to process it. It took a while for James, Sirius, and Peter too. They know; they became Animagi to help me. That's what James was talking about a while back when he said he felt back about missing 'something'. That 'something' was my transformation. They'd help me, and when we stopped being friends, of course that stopped too." His eyes are pleading with me, pleading for me to understand and accept his hand.
        But I don't. I stand there and stare at his hand. Werewolf.
"Does Lily know?" I manage to force out.
"James told her yesterday for me."
"So I'm the last to know, basically."
"Well, not the last. The whole school doesn't know. Just the teachers and a select few."
"Still."
"I already said that I was sorry. Now come on, let's go back to the Common Room." He suggests, offering his hand again.
        But I don't take it.
"Bria, come on. I know you're pissed, but you can't stay here forever. Please?"
I shake my head, sinking to the floor. I rest my head against my knees, and throw my arms over my head. "I can't." I mumble.
Remus frowns, taking a step closer to me. "Why?"
I look up at him, tears filling my eyes. I can't. I can't say it. I shouldn't even think it. It shouldn't matter. But of course this is my life, and everything has to fall apart when it's getting perfect. Of course it slips out. "Because you're a monster." 
        As soon as I've said it, I slap my hand over my mouth so hard the sound fills the room. Tears fall over my cheeks, and Remus stares at me, his mouth open. His eyes look like they're shattering, breaking with the impact of my words. He's frozen, and so am I.
        That is, until I bolt. I jump up and stumble to the tunnel, running as fast as I can through it while crouching. I don't even bother to light my wand, I just run through it blindly. One hand trails the rocky wall, and the other is still clamped over my big mouth.
        When I reach the end of the tunnel, I stop for a moment. I expect to hear Remus behind me, but there's no noise. No sound at all. I bet he's still standing there in the Shrieking Shack, frozen.
        I stumble for the next few feet out of the tunnel, falling onto the grass when I reach the end. I debate on laying there forever, but I pull myself up and keep running away. As far away from that room as I can. As far away from that memory as possible.
        I wind up running in the direction of the Forbidden Forest, because if I go back to the Castle someone will see me, and they'll ask what's wrong. And then I will have to lie to them, or tell them why. And I don't want to do either. So I run to the forest.
        I stick to the path, as I remember someone telling me. I don't remember who it was, and I don't particularly care. I just run along the path as the tears streak down my face, the words "Because you're a monster." echoing through my head. Probably to punish me more; as if I need more of a reminder of what I've done.
Eventually I can't run anymore, so I just crumple to the ground. I lay there and listen to the words echo through my head. Why did I let them slip through? Why did I even think them? Remus was already self-conscious about being a Werewolf as it is, why did I have to make it worse?
        I'm a terrible person. That's who I really am.






THE END OF WHO I REALLY AM.