This is Bullshit

Part 4 - Prologue

"His entire life goal was to die, but when I saw him again after such a long time, I couldn't help but be happy, even though I knew he must've hated it. I wonder if he was happy when I killed him. I wonder if his last breath was a breath of relief, knowing it was over, knowing his efforts had paid off. Was he disappointed when he opened his eyes?"

Kakashi was outside of his own body watching Sasuke talk to Naruto. Kakashi assumed that this was what people would call an, "out of body experience."

His eyes turned to look at the village. All that was there was a blur of colour, how could he know what the village looked like now? How could he even be sure that he was in the village? Even so, Kakashi watched his students.

Naruto became Hokage, Sasuke left the village (but honestly, who could blame him?) and Sakura became the head medic.

He was proud of them.

Kakashi chose to believe that this was a real experience, his dreams were never this happy.

Of course, he was sad that he couldn't be there with his students. He wanted to see where they went next, talk to them about little things, or attend their weddings, but at least he got to see them again.

Kakashi relished in the short moments he got with them, even though they didn't notice.

Kakashi woke up with tears in his eyes and a smile on his face.

"Hey little listener!" Hizashi welcomed him into the kitchen with a warm smile. Kakashi felt like a strange emotion in his chest and it made his throat tight.

"Uh... hi." He said quietly and set the table.

Hizashi chuckled and put food on the plates. "I'll get Shouta." He then disappeared into the hallway.

Kakashi sat at the table quietly and waited. He thought about his dream. About the implications it had. This probably meant he was never going to get back, right? It wasn't that Kakashi wanted to go back. Well, he did, but that was before... everything. Of course he wanted to see his friends again. He especially wanted to apologize to Gai for just dying like that. He also wanted to apologize to Sasuke for failing him, and Naruto for not being there for him, and Sakura for being an awful teacher. So many apologies that he would never be able to give.

Kakashi had experienced enough grief to know that it wasn't exactly what he was feeling. Usually grief was accompanied by guilt, not the other way around. He wasn't really mourning for them because they were still alive, weren't they? He just couldn't see them.

He didn't know if knowing that his loved ones were still alive, and he wasn't was better than having them gone permanently.

He figured the first option was worse, because in that case, both parties were dead to each other.

Either way, it hurt.

He was glad they were alive, and he wanted them to be happy, more than anything... and he would admit, though not to their faces, that he was happy living with Hizashi and Aizawa... to an extent. He didn't really enjoy the lack of freedom he had, but he definitely didn't miss having to cook all his own meals, do the dishes, clean the house, go shopping, etc. by himself. Of course, he still helped, he wasn't that much of an asshole.

At some point, Aizawa and Hizashi had joined him at the table.

He snapped back to reality and ate in silence.

~~~

"I've been meaning to ask you, why do you wear that mask?" Goto asked during their session later that day.

Kakashi blinked a few times and turned away from the canvas. Konoha had trees now. And another cliff overlooking the village and the Hokage heads.

"The mask? Well... it's to hide my blimp lips, of course." Kakashi shrugged, but it sounded like a pathetic excuse instead of his usual banter.

Goto raised an eyebrow.

Kakashi sighed. "My village was constantly at war. 75% of the population were- are soldiers. My father was one of the more renowned frontline fighters. He took a mission which was set up to fail. The mission would've shortened the duration of the war had he completed it... or so they say. He was vilified by the civilians for his failure, which led to his suicide. My father and I looked very similar, I didn't want people to make that connection. Though, in hindsight, perhaps I should've dyed my hair." Surprisingly and unsurprisingly, Kakashi had no trouble speaking about this now.

"Do you resent your father for what he did?"

"I did for a while... but not anymore." Kakashi said, his voice taking on a purposefully neutral tone.

"What made you change your mind?" Goto asked calmly.

The room was silent. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, more thoughtful.

"I... came to understand him." Kakashi replied simply.

"I see." Kakashi couldn't see Goto's face, but he could imagine the different expressions it might have. Kakashi brushed those thoughts off and focused back on his painting.

He dipped his paintbrush in the black paint and drew three silhouettes sitting on the cliffside.