Mali

Chapter Twenty-One: Present

I slammed the door open, ignoring there questions of "Where were you guys?" "What happened?" "Where's Ryder?", and ran back to the bedroom I shared with Mina and Riva.

By now we were able to get a small inflatable mattress that I was able to move to. Made everything less awkward.

I shut the door behind me and went over to the closet. The closet wasn't exactly a walk in one, but it was big enough for me to hide in.

I pushed the one door closed and continued to cry even more now. I kept myself curled up in a ball with my forehead resting on my knees.

I can't do this anymore. For what they've done to me. I am done having that lurking suspicious of someone watching me, I am done for what pain I cause to others, and I am done for just being me!

All that happens to me anymore is hurt and more hurt. I feel like a burden. Everyone else here gets to be happy and put a smile on there face, while I am sitting here. Cowardly shutting myself in a stupid closet! I bet they're laughing over me right now.

I was a fool for thinking that place was a new beginning.

No.

It was a beginning of my end. Exactly what Digby had planned for me. What she thought, what she knew, was going to happen to me. She tried a little to warn me.

I had stopped crying now. I have run out of tears to give, and I continued to sit there.

In silence. By myself.

At moments, I thought I had fallen asleep, but I would open my eyes to see the same dark wall staring back.

My shoulder and arm surprisingly didn't hurt, with only a slight numbing feeling to it, I barely noticed it.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the slip of paper with the quote from that I was reading. Guess you could say I was reading it before Ryder and I "officially" talked.

Not huddled in a tiny ass cave waiting for those firefighters to leave the scene we caused.

I could feel a smile spread across my face, sending butterflies into my stomach. Is this what you feel when you care about someone? Get a sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach? Just thinking about Ryder made me feel this way.

He made me care.

The smile quickly vanished. I had really fucked up this time...

"I hate you Ryder Barker! I hate you for this! For all of this!!"

The words were on reply in my head,

"I hate you Ryder Barker!"

Over,

"I hate you for this!"

And over,

"For all of this!!"

Again.

I opened my eyes once again to find a pair of blue eyes staring back. Her eyes even shinning bright now.

Mina.

"Are you just going to sit in here all night long?", she remained her same peppy voice.

I stayed quiet.

"Well, if you are going to stay here all night long, do yourself a favor and get a box of tissues. You look like a mess.", Mina assuring me.

"You're not helping.", I hissed

she laughed, "I know.", I followed her eyes to my hands, "What's that?", she asked.

Before I could answer she was already reaching over and grabbing it.

She read it to herself and twisted her face in disgust when she finished, "What is this garbage?"

"A quote.", I paused, "From a book."

"No, really? I thought you came up with it yourself!", she cheered, "Now, I'm dumbfounded!", Mina is such a sarcastic asshole.

I couldn't help, but giggle myself at it. If one things for sure, she'll always make you laugh. Even in the darkest of your moods, or in a dark closet.

"So, what happened?", she asked.

"We were- I was attacked. This guy in an alleyway came out and grabbed me.", I mumbled.

"What did Ryder do?", she replied.

"Nothing. He wasn't there.", I stayed relatively quiet.

"Then where was he?", she added.

"We went ice skating and he said he left his apartment key there, so before I could say anything else he was already gone.", I begin to explain, "I continued walking back here when the guy jumped me."

I took a deep breath in attempt to calm myself down.

"He slammed me to the ground, then picked me up and threw me to the wall. He began to choke me. I ripped my sling off in panic, and I slapped him across the face. My hand was on fire and when I hit him it left my hand print on his face.", I looked up as I finished and saw a rather bored Mina.

"At least you hurt him more then he hurt you.", she commented.

I laughed a little, "Not so sure if that's true."

The silence returned and stayed for a while. Keeping the awkward tension between us. It's always been there, but now you can see it clearer.

Mina spoke, "Why are you so afraid to use your powers?"

I took another pause.

Why am I afraid of my powers? Why am I afraid if myself? Is it because I'm different? Is it because I'm feared? Is it because my power is destructive? It's all of that, but one reason stood out more.

"It's because of your brother..", I muttered quietly, just enough for her to hear.

"Zara, I've already told you it's not your fault-"

"But it is!", I interrupted her, "He's dead because of me!"

"You weren't the one to pull the trigger.", she paused, "You weren't the one to pull the trigger."

"But, it almost feels that way.", I could feel the warmth of tears fill my eyes once more, "If Zeke and I weren't messing around, he would still be here with us. Maybe even squeezed himself in between us. It was my fault. His death is on my shoulders and yet you still are willing to comfort me. Why?"

She shook her head, "The first who forgives, is the bravest, and the first who forgets, is the happiest."

Another awkward pause.

"I don't know! I read it in a magazine once!", she sassed.

"No, really? I thought you came up with it yourself!", I cheered this time, "Now, I'm dumbfounded!"

"Hey, don't steal my words!", she jeered.

Her cheering up lasted a little while, but not for long.

"I don't care whatever you say or think, Zeke's death is not your fault.", Mina promised, with a smile that spread across her freckles face, "Now, what's up with Ryder?"

My smile disappeared, "I said something I shouldn't have."

She left it at that.

"Well, then you might want to apologize cause he's wailing him self in his room.", Mina mentioned, "Anyway, I'm going to bed. Enjoy your inflatable futon.", she got up and crawled out of the tiny space.

I followed behind and slipped into the blankets.

As much as I want to forgive myself for Zeke's death, I don't know how I can bring myself to it, or how I could apologize to Ryder.

I just...don't know how.