To Have and To Hold: Sirius Black

Tom and Victoria

   He looked at me intensely, his expression was unreadable. I gulped, my hands were starting to sweat, but I didn't say anything, I just stood, my chair screeching across the hardwood floor. I didn't dare to even attempt to grab my wand from my pocket, he'd know if I reached for it and I couldn't risk it. I simply followed him through the door, his dark robes billowing behind him. He turned at the end of the hallway, opening the door and watching as I walked inside. 

The room was dim, a few oil lamps casting shadows against the dark red wallpapered walls, it seemed to be a library. Bookshelves upon bookshelves were taking up most of the space against the walls, each shelf containing hundreds of books no doubt on dark magic. 

I focused my attention on the man before me after examining the room. A look of interest was filling his features, his dark eyes reading me like a book. I was lucky I was skilled in Legilimency or else he'd be able to see my every thought. 

He was a handsome man, his dark hair curled perfectly at his forehead, he was fit and demanded attention immediately upon entering a room. He held himself as a powerful leader, it was no wonder everybody obeyed him, though he was practically a young man, we treated him as somebody with a considerable amount of knowledge and authority.

Though he was good looking upon first glance, something about him was off. He didn't radiate the same energy as a normal witch or wizard, he was different, almost nonhuman. The Horcruxes he had created had changed him, split his soul, he wasn't whole, but only a fraction of what he should be, somebody with their soul completely intact.

"I heard you got into a little dispute within the past week, Victoria. Care to explain?"

"Yes, something like that. Walburga Black, she doubted my allegiance to you. I put her in her place."

He nodded, processing what I had said though I don't doubt most of the death eaters at the funeral had already told him their version of the story of what exactly happened. 

"I see. I admire your loyalty, very brave indeed. I heard she created quite a disruption  at the funeral of Regulus Black, even dared to raise her wand to you."

I remembered the events of the funeral, she tried to raise her wand at me after I had punched her, I did my best not to grin at the memory, "She tried."

"I cannot have an incredulous witch doubt my family, for you are my family. Although she is a respectable member of the noble house of Black, those who disrespect us should have consequences pureblood or not, don't you agree?" He asked, pacing around the room, eye contact never breaking.

"I suppose so." I wasn't exactly sure what he was hinting at but I knew it wasn't harmless intentions.

"Shall I punish her? Dispose of her?" He asked, his eyebrow slightly raising.

He wanted to kill Walburga Black.

I debated his question, she had treated Sirius horrible for years, beat him until he was black and blue, she shouldn't just get away with this. She burned Sirius off of the Black family tree, called him a disgrace to the family, insulted me even, she deserved it, she deserved to die. Then it hit me, what on earth was I thinking? I would be responsible for the death of the woman if I told him yes, I'd be just as bad as every death eater sitting in the other room, I'd be just as bad as Voldemort himself. I could never order the death of somebody, no matter how bad of a human they were, I was too good for that. 

"I don't think that's necessary, Tom." I flinched at the use of his name, I didn't mean to, it just slipped out. I hoped, prayed, that he wouldn't reprimand me for using his real name.

He seemed indifferent to the use of his name, non angered. Relief washed over me, my color slowly returning to my face. 

"I'll allow the use of my real name with you, with you only since we are distantly related. You are my only real family, the only one I don't despise," He commented, "How is the child?"

I slowly nodded my head before answering his question, "Doing well, kicking quite a bit recently."

Before I could even comprehend what he was doing, he swiftly moved toward me and placed his hand on my belly, feeling the baby push against his hand, it looked almost as if the corner of his mouth was twitching, trying to form a small smile. It was a side of him I had never seen before, almost a sign of real emotion, vulnerability. 

It was difficult to imagine a man so evil that he wanted to rid the world of non-purebloods would slightly smile while feeling a baby move in the womb, show a side that appreciated the small things. I couldn't comprehend that the same man feeling my baby was killing and torturing innocent people because he shared different views than them, how could he be so different. 

I almost sympathized with him, felt sorry for the poor childhood he had in an orphanage, a father running out on him, his mother dying before he could take his first breath. How could I feel bad for a man that had committed so many evil acts, wanted to kill the people I cared about because of their blood status? The man that committed those acts was a different man than the one who was standing in the room with me, hand on my belly. 

Bile slowly rose in my throat at these thoughts, my hands slightly shaking in my pockets. Was I a horrible person for feeling bad for him? Was I just as bad as those that shared his beliefs? He'd kill Lily, Marlene, Peter, Remus, even James and Sirius for being blood traitors without a second thought, and I had the audacity to feel sorry for him. I hated myself at that moment, hated that I was an empath, that the man who made hundreds of children orphans just like he had been, the man who'd split his soul so he couldn't die, and he and I were related.

I thought back to the moment where I had been completely blinded by my pain that I almost mailed a letter of allegiance to him, wrote about how I'd abandoned my friends and wanted to join his ranks, I was disgusted with myself. I had these moments of weakness, where I almost give in to the temptation, the persuasion, the manipulation that he was offering, I felt sorry for him. 

I felt sorry for the man that had forced me into his ranks, the reason Regulus was dead, killed hundreds upon hundreds of innocent people, and planned to kill every last one of them that didn't share his morals.

He removed his hand after a few moments before he opened his mouth to speak again, interrupting my self-deprecating thoughts, "I want to discuss more about our relations."

                                                                                           ***

I wanted to incorporate her sympathy with Tom because I sort of felt bad for him in the books/movies. If Merope wouldn't have conceived him under a love potion, he would've been a completely different person, he would've been able to feel and have emotions. This does not excuse his actions though! Thanks for reading :)

XOXO,

SiriusBlackLover <3

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