To Have and To Hold: Sirius Black

Don't Be Afraid

Sirius and Remus stood face to face in the living room, testosterone dripping off of them. Both looked annoyed, especially Sirius, who wore a glare. Remus was avoiding eye contact at all costs and was shifting his feet uncomfortably on the carpet.

"What's happening?" I asked, both of them seeming startled by my presence, too flustered to notice I had arrived. Sirius immediately put his arm around my waist, pulling me close, staring Remus down.

"Ask Remus, he just showed up a few moments before you, said he wanted to talk," Sirius responded, still holding onto me, wanting to warn Remus that I was Sirius's, that he was mine.

Remus sighed and shook his head, "I wanted to apologize, I don't know what came over me. You two are great for each other, Merlin knows you've liked the other for ages. It's the war, it's getting to my head, I'm scared of everyone I care about dying. No excuse will right my wrongs, but I didn't mean what I said, I don't know where it came from."

Sirius's grip didn't loosen, but his scowl certainly did. I looked from Remus to Sirius, his eyes looked as if they were fighting a battle, trying to determine his next words.

"My wife? You had to come after my wife and I's relationship? Do you still have feelings for her?" Sirius asked abruptly, making intense eye contact with his friend.

"I'm not going to lie, those feelings never went away, but I don't want to come between your relationship, I've just been lonely. It's no excuse." He replied, tears meeting the rims of his eyes, ashamed at what he'd done. Sirius could tell, because he walked over and patted him on the back, saying he forgave him. 

After Remus left, Sirius and I sat in awkward silence sipping on our tea, waiting for the other to say something.

"Sirius, I value our marriage, but if I didn't show up that'd seem suspicious. I'm a 'death eater', but I won't come when he calls me? You know I have to go."

"I know, I've been contemplating everything, I hate that this is your life, our life, working for both sides. I wish everything was normal, we could live a normal life." 

I didn't respond, truthfully I didn't know what to say, so I just set my tea down and moved closer, appreciating his warmth. After a few hours of laying together, snuggling Todo, we fell asleep holding each other. 

I awoke with yet another owl tapping on the window, Dumbledore's owl.

Victoria,

Thank you for letting me know. I can't meet with you before you go, but give him any false information that you can, make sure it doesn't give anything away or give you away. I wish you the best of luck, hope marriage is treating you well.

Albus

I set the letter down, I was hoping that Dumbledore could bring me a sense of comfort, but he didn't. It felt like I was all on my own, sure some of my friends knew, but they didn't have to face the Dark Lord. Dumbledore had always been this figure that was fearless, if he was there everything would be fine, but he wasn't here, and he couldn't help me, he wasn't helping me.

Sirius stirred in his sleep, turning over, mumbling words, he was having a nightmare. Although I couldn't understand most of the words he was saying, I did catch 'Reg' a couple of times, he was frightened for his brother. I shook him gently, waking him from his bad dream, he quickly fell back asleep, leaving me awake, alone. 

It felt like I sat there for hours, thinking. When I was young, I had imagined what my life would be like when I graduated from Hogwarts. I had always thought about finding my soulmate, getting married, having children, having a successful career, being happy, making a difference in the world. So many things had changed, I wasn't living the life I envisioned for myself, I used to want to create a world that treated half-breeds and muggle-borns more fairly. I wanted to fight for change, so Remus didn't have to worry about getting a job with his condition, so my muggle-born friends wouldn't have to worry about discrimination, but I wasn't making a difference by sitting at home and crying. 

I had married the love of my life, but I wanted more. I couldn't just sit at home while people were being slaughtered, wait for my loved ones to be killed, I had to do something, make a change, but how? Maybe I could get a job at the Ministry, but Voldemort has spies and I could become an even bigger target. I needed to do something, I needed to get closer to Voldemort, to get info, to help bring him down. I hoped Regulus would respond soon, I needed to help him; I needed to defeat the Dark Lord. 

The days leading up to my meeting at the Malfoy Manor were slow, but I wasn't necessarily scared anymore. In order to learn the Dark Lord's weaknesses, I had to be around him, learn more about him. Apparently, we were family, and I was going to use that to the best of my advantage. Nine o'clock came, without saying goodbye, I snuck out of my house and apparated to Malfoy Manor, I gulped at the sight before me.

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If I was living in the time of the war in the Marauders era/ Golden trio era, I'd be so sad for Remmy, he wouldn't be able to get a job ugh, people are so mean! Anyway, hope you liked it, like I said I have some good chapters coming up but I needed to do a filler to get some basic info out of the way... Also, we hit 730 reads, THAT'S CRAZY, I never thought I'd get that many, wow! Thank you all for your votes, comments, and reads, you're amazing!

XOXO,

SiriusBlackLover <3

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