Heartthrob J.H

Deeper and deeper

Nikkis POV tw 12am

I haven't done anything ever since the boys left. I mean yeah I kinda have but not really. I've stopped eating a lot due to weight gain and me not being happy about my image. I'm sad. I feel empty and drained. I haven't gotten out of bed feeling demotivated. I pretend to sleep when I someone comes to my room to ask me to eat. It's not good but I'm just not hungry and I don't wanna eat because if I don't maybe it'll make my body smaller. I've still been posting on tiktok but just drafts because I don't want anyone to speculate anything except I deleted all my Instagram posts of me just by myself I kept the ones with friends though

I only stopped eating fully like 3 days ago. So I haven't eaten In 3 days but I've drank water to try to make me not hungry.

I've been overthinking everything. I'm panicking because what if I can't change my appearance and I'll just look like this. Ugly. I'm worried that I'm not doing enough for everyone around me. I'm letting people down by not being there but I just can't bring myself to leave my room. Like my depression is crippling and it's not good at all

I've had panic attacks like everyday and they last for hours. I also have breakdowns I'm at my fucking breaking point before I end it all

I feel like a burden and I'm just taking up space in the world and causing problems for everybody. God why do I have to be like this. I wanna die like actually I'm not even joking.

I cut. I cut a lot. I can't feel the pain but it just satisfies me seeing the blood drip down my wrist. Both of my arms are covered with scars also my thighs and me ankles. It's not good but I can't feel it. I can't stop. I'm numb I feel nothing emptiness is all I'm feeling. I'm constantly shaking I don't know if it's just from me not eating or from me just having a panic attack.

I have nothing to help me. No meds no therapy no nothing. I wanna handle it on my own but it's just getting out of control I can't

Pretty sure charli and Dixie are home and my mom but my dad is like on a business trip I don't know. I haven't had a full conversation with anyone in ages. They try but I just don't answer

I can't even go on that app "I am sober" because everything's at 0 and I don't wanna look at it any longer

Out of sadness I tweet this

@nicoledamelio •Just now
Nicole

Don't you ever just want that special someone who understands you fully, knows you inside out, you can tell anything to. Also they can tell if somethings wrong, if your doing something bad, if your lying, faking it, or In serious trouble. I do. Oh wait- I did have someone like that they just got taken away to soon....

I post the tweet and then lay my phone down beside me. I pick it back up and see people leaving responses like "omg can you follow me? "I love you Nikki can you follow?" "Does she respond?" Pfft ok. I then bring myself to the bathroom and look myself in the mirror. I lift up my baggy hoodie and look at my body. It looks the same i just can't. I feel weak like I could barely stand.

I look at the scale from the corner of my eye and it feels like I'm drawn to it. I go over to the scale and I step on it. I started off at 117 pounds. I wait to see and I've only loss 2 pounds... 115..

I can't anymore. I get off and walk over to the sink and I grab the blade and make cuts on my wrists All these scars make me look even more. I start to also have a panic attack because of the results of the scale. I fall to the floor with blood coming from my wrists. There's so many scars there I can't even

I fall to the ground crying shaking hyperventilating and screaming. I wanna die. Please let me die here right now. Nothing will change it's like I'm not here anyways. I'm shaking on the ground and I hear someone walk in

Heidis POV

I was in my room reading a book. All alone Marc is on a business trip and charli is in her room. Dixies with her friends.  I'm worried about Nikki I don't think she's eaten she's stayed in her room just sleeping

I'm on the couch in our room just reading until I hear screams coming from nikkis room. I drop everything and rush to her room. I see her bathroom lights are on so I go there.

There Nikki is. On the ground shaking and crying and breathing heavily having a panic attack. There's also blood coming from her wrists. Oh no not again. I hold Nikki I'm my arms and I see all the scars on her arms. I feel like crying too

Nikkis been to a mental hospital before. Like the first time she tried to take her life right after she got out of the hospital after the accident. Also when she was starting high school she stayed there for a bit and came back fine. But I think we might have to take her back there.

I think she's getting back into the old habits of not eating. I haven't seen her eat In a while. I look at her stomach and it looks different. Definitely a bit smaller and there's cuts there too.

"Come on we're going" I say wiping my tears carrying Nikki up who's still crying

"CHARLIIII!! CHARLIIIIIII!!" I yell walking out nikkis room but make sure to grab nikkis phone and glasses. Charli comes rushing out of her room in a hoodie and sweats also her glasses but once she sees Nikki and I'm basically carrying her charli rush's over with tears in her eyes

"A-what happened" charli asks taking nikkis other side

"We're taking her to the hospital to get checked out" I say and we go to the car. Charli grabbed food for Nikki to eat like a piece of bread. We get in the car and charli sits in the back seat with Nikki. Charlis like crying because she always get emotional about these things with Nikki. Her and Nikki are close and she cares for Nikki a lot. We all do

Once we get to the hospital we go to the emergency room. We've been In this boat before

I talk to the nurses and social workers saying how I want to admit her. I talked to Marc in the car he said do what I think is best. So I did. They take Nikki to this room and me and charli just wait in the waiting room and charli has her lip quivering tears falling down her face as I comfort her. I know this is hard but she needs this

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Ok sorry if it isn't accurate I tried to make it as realistic as possible

Anyways guys have a good day everyone i need to go bc I just pissed my pants

😱😱👈🥰