Heartthrob J.H

Push away

2 weeks later Nikki's pov 8:00pm

TW ALL THE TOPICS THAT I CANT REMEMBER BUT YEAH TW

Rough rough 2 weeks. All I've done that was productive was film a music video that's it. Music videos fire.

I haven't left my room in a week and a half. I want death upon me please. I've been having panic attacks everyday which is really draining and i just want it all over.

I couldn't even take care of my dog i had to give it to my parents because i couldn't take care of buggy. The one thing that made me happy still is gone. Music helps a bit i guess. But I'm not even motivated to write anything i can't it's impossible

I've pushed everyone away. Haven't talked to anybody. Ghosted my friends and just didn't answer my family. It feels like everyone just left me and I'm all alone. Every time i have a panic attack it sounds like ally's high pitch scream the one i heard when the car crashed. Every time i panic i hear her voice screaming and it's really taking a tole on me

I've skipped all my therapy sessions not gone to a single one stopped taking meds also I'm sleeping in my room again. I just don't know at this point. I've put this all on myself and it's my fault. Everything's always my fault. I have nothin to lose everything's over for me like actually. No friends no family no one here for me

I've ignored charli and Dixie ever since that stupid damelio karaoke thing and haven't talked to my parents since i gave them my dog. Ghosted all the girls and the boys from back home. Also everyone in The hype house ghosted. Sway boys who actually texted me ghosted

Everyone seems to be having fun laughing and being happy. Without me.... so what do i really have to lose. Nothing. exactly.

Parents seem to be happy so are my siblings they seem to be happy. Maybe it only should've been a family of 4. Forget me just forget me and never speak of me again. It hurts really bad.

And I'm done with relationships and love. Love is fake as hell. Your only in a relationship until one person fucks it all up. There's always gonna be one person that's gonna end up getting hurt. And that one person always ends up being me. Love is fake love is dead. Well that's what it is to me at least. I thought Jaden was "the one" but i guess not. Bitch add had to cheat like every other person.

I start crying just by the thought of it. But before i do it I'm gonna film a video saying some stuff and post it on my pvs

Recording🔴👁

"Mmhm yeah hi" i say crying sitting on my bathroom floor holding my phone

"Mmhm this one isn't for kids again so if your watching this as a kid and then get yelled by your parents not my fault warned you also trigger warning" i say crying with my voice cracking

"You guys do not understand how I've been these past 2 weeks. I haven't left my house in a week and a half laying in bed all day because i just can't get up" i say

"It's terrible. I've had panic attacks every single fucking day and it's exhausting. Every time i have one i hear her scream. Her traumatizing scream. I close my eyes and see her dead body laying on the road. And it hurts" i cry

"See you don't understand. I'm done like actually this time i dont care. I've lost everyone and it's my fault. Lost all my friends by ghosting everyone and ignoring their texts. Lost my family by ignoring them not answering. Lost my dog. I had to give buggy to my parents because i couldn't take care of her anymore let alone take care of myself" i cry/sniffle

"Ive skipped every single one of my therapy sessions. Only productive thing I've done the past 2 weeks is film a music video that i may or may not even be alive to see it." I sigh

"I'm done like actually this time. Don't even try to save me because i won't let you. My life ended when ally died. I've been dealing with this shit since i was 10 years old and I'm over it" i exclaim

"And i swear mom and dad if you send me back to the mental hospital I'm gonna lose my shit and never ever talk to you again. Have you not noticed that it hasn't helped me? I've been there 3 fucking times and I've still tried things I've shouldn't" i chuckle while crying

"I've lost everything. Everything was either taken away or i made it go away. Its all my fault. It's my fault I'm like this. I'm this shit person who only makes things worse. I have nothing to fucking lose everyone looks so happy without me so why not. My family looks good as 4 so I'm good and ready to go" i say

"I get shit on every time i relapse which is my fault. I pushed everyone away. Ruined probably the best relationship i had. My fault I've gotten cheated on multiple times. My fault that i can't do anything to help myself" i say

"IM ALL ALONE IM ALL FUCKING ALONE AND THERES NO ONE HERE. LOVE IS FAKE LOVE IS TOXIC. THERES ALWAYS ONE PERSON WHO GETS HURT AND THAT ONE PERSON IS ME. i try i really do fucking try. I put all my love into someone and they just leave. Either cheating on me or just leaving. MY HEART CANT TAKE IT. I put to much on other people making them wanna leave." i sob screaming. I'm a mess

"At me funereal i want everyone to celebrate that I'm Gone i don't Want anyone sad about it because it's what i want. And if someone does save me. Well good for you. You could be the hero in everyone else's eyes but mine. In my eyes you crushed my dreams." I cry

"And don't save me i beg you please don't. Don't even try. I'll just keep doing it over and over again until it finally works. The many others times I've tried I've been "saved" but it didn't even help me at all. It only made me suffer longer. Yeah, Should've let me die" i sob

"And if someone actually does save me good for you. Last little bit of happiness i had was my dog and my dog even seems to be happier without me" i say crying even harder now

"You all are scared for what I'm about to do but just so you know i don't care. And if i make it out alive then i don't even know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna go crazy. Unless i wake up and I'm completely brainwashed and my mental illnesses is gone then yeah that's fine by me" i laugh

"I don't want any of your pity comments or pity dms. I did this to myself this whole mess is my fault. I've created a monster and I'm ready to go"

"No by actually I'm leaving know. Bye live" i say waving and turning off my phone

⚠️OMEGA TW RIGHT HERE EVERYONE OK IM SORRY FOR YOU HAVING TO READ THIS DONT CRY PLEASE IM CRYING WRITING THIS. NO WAIT MY EYES ARE JSUT SWEATING NVM⚠️

I grab the blade off of the counter and i make it break in half. 5 cuts per arm blood dripping down my arms already feeling light headed. I stumble towards the pill bottle and take 15 of my relaxer pills. That was the rest of them. I start feeling dizzy then everything goes black

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Well that took a turn ❌🧢

Poor Nikki if your ever feeling that way please talk to someone

Should I have mads release or sing that song "skin" by the blonde girl I forget her name lol

Anyways have a good day guys ily all

💗💗💗